Wednesday, May 6, 2015

the one with advice for grads

A lot of blogs in past week have been giving [unsolicited] advice to recent graduates. I think I will give my two cents too, for both college and high school graduates.

First you high school kiddos who think you know absolutely everything there is to know about being in the real world: you have absolutely no idea what is coming your way. Some things are good and some are not. For the good--sure it's nice to move out on your own (if you are getting off the tit and going to college) but no one will tell you what you need to be told about things like having to spread your weekly allowance [if you are so fortunate to receive one from your parents] on things other than Shrimply Tuesday at Red Lobster and a fifth of Goose, leading to your having to eat in the cafeteria Wednesday-Sunday until you are "paid" again.

Also--don't bitch because your friend gets a new ride for Graduation and you have to take the old Honda to college. It's fine. By Christmas you will have more dings on your ride than smooth spots. I took an old Maxima, and it was perfect. People will puke in your car. Get ready, it is going to happen and it just might be you who's vom you have to clean up.

Don't worry about picking a major right away. Take a few classes and then decide. I do advise against picking Marketing. It's so common (see #7 on the college grad list). College needs to be fun, but don't let it be more fun than your future.

Most importantly--don't get pregnant or get someone pregnant. It's unfair to you and that kid. You are still a kid yourself and most of you can't even make it to school on time, try having enough time to take a kid to daycare and then being on time, in that little bitty Honda.

For the College Grads--

1. Turn around right now a sign up for grad school. Graduating college in four years is like leaving a party at 8:45.

2. Law School is not a bad idea.

3. If you are over school, go live somewhere cool for a year with some buddies and work somewhere that makes you enough money to get by so you can live it up..bonus--your serious friends who finished college in 3 semester will totes be jealous of your facebook posts and so will I.

4. You aren't about to make $100K a year so you better learn to scale back. You won't need new clothes because you probably bought a t-shirt for every frat function there was.

5. You are about to be in/attend more weddings than you thought was even possible, so you need to find a standby gift to give. May I suggest this cutting board.



6. I don't suggest a credit card until you have worked for a year. They can get you in trouble if you aren't careful--and let's be honest, gin and tonic makes you careless.

7. Failure is real and it will happen at one point or another. Don't let it get you down.
Kindness is also real and goes a long way, be nice to all.

8. Learn how to have a successful interview--don't talk in circles with your hands. It makes you look ignorant and you will interview 3 times for the same position for which you are perfect and they will hire "from within." See #6.

9. Stay in touch with these friends you have made--they will last a lifetime. Sure you can shade out sometimes, but just know they love you as much as you love them. I made friends in college that I consider to be the top of my list.


10. It's true--never discuss politics or religion with your co-workers or #9.

11. If you buy a house, know there are so many more things to consider other than the mortgage. Rent for a few years.

12. Never tell your parents you are grown because they are always more grown than you. Take their advice. THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. Trust me.










Monday, May 4, 2015

the one about my yard

I planned to have a fun weekend, with the option of going to music fest to hear Ed Sheeran. All that changed after my impromptu trip to the greenhouse after school on Friday. I decided to pull up all of these plants beside my house that were super ugly. They were just old shrubs that had taken over. Last year I had my brother just use the chainsaw and cut them at the base, but they grew back. So now it was time to dig them up from the roots. WHAT. A. JOB. This is what all I pulled up:


Take a look a those roots. Some of these I dug up with a shovel and some of them were attached to a chain to the ball of my truck and I pulled them up. Most of those resulted in failure as there was really not a good way to hook them to the shrubs as they had been recently cut off by a chainsaw and just new growth was there. So I said words that I told my mother would make her need to spank me because she taught me better than that. Let's just said my list of sins was rather lengthy on Saturday night.

I planted (on Sunday because I was so damn worn out at dusk on Saturday when I finished pulling up ugliness) these two things. And of course the first time I bought plants, I didn't even by half as many as I needed. I think these are called Yaupons and Loropetalum. I am sure they will be called dead in a few months..but I am going to try super hard to keep them living.

Next step is mulching and I will be finished. Of course I complained about how hard the work was, but I felt so accomplished when I finished...

Mother got a treat for us on Saturday--Jones' BBQ--which is a little hole in the wall restaurant in Marianna that just so happens to be a James Beard Award winning restaurant.. It's amazing. So if ever you are in Marianna, I highly recommend giving it a try..


Y'all have a good week+be well!



Tuesday, April 28, 2015

the one about a dream

Lately I have been having a reoccurring dream and I have absolutely no idea what it means. Maybe you guys who know how to interpret dreams can help me out because there is no meaning for this in the "book of dreams." This past weekend I had this dream all three nights.

Friday night I dreamed I went to the ACM awards in Cowboys stadium that happened a week ago, and I first chewed out George Strait because he didn't sing Amarillo By Morning. But that's not the dream. I then complained because Sam Hunt didn't get to do a whole song and he came to thank me and asked if I wanted to take a selfie with him. Here's the dream--I couldn't get my camera to work on my phone. It just wouldn't open. Not even when I went to Instagram and tried there... So of course no one believed me that I met a celeb...

Saturday night I dreamed I visited the set of The Voice and ran into Meagan Trainor in the hall and asked if I could take a pic with her and the same thing happened. WTF? So now I have met two famous people and don't have proof because my phone messed up.

Sunday night I dreamed I met Terrance Howard and Taraji P. Henson. Why do you ask? Because I begrudgingly was convinced to watch Empire on Hulu. I started it Sunday and it is like crack. I am am addicted to it. I am embarrassed to admit it. Cookie is awesome.

I have no doubt that I will never ever meet anyone semi famous because I spent a whole week in Hollywood and the closest I got to a celeb was in the airport when I saw Dr. Mcnamara's son in Nip/Tuck...he is a D-Lister at best.

What does this silly dream mean? That I am not prepared for life??




Monday, April 20, 2015

the one about the weekend

I am back to reality after a weekend in Northwest Arkansas for Molly/Wedding Day Barbie's wedding. The reception was very cool--in the Air Museum in Fayetteville. I felt like I was in a movie from the 50's.

Jax needed a date because her hubby had a prior commitment, so I had the best looking date there...


Since the wedding was the middle of the afternoon, that left time for use to have a nice time together for dinner.. The three of us haven't had a time together, alone since we were in college. It's amazing how topics of conversation have gone from Dawson's Creek to mortgages and kiddos..

I love these gals.
 The ACM Awards were pretty good last night. These are my takeaways:

No matter how rich and famous Miranda Lambert is, she still can't manage to buy style. And she is the new Taylor Swift of awards shows--if you are nominated in one of the same categories she is nominated in, you will lose. Except for Entertainer of the Year that should have gone to no one but Garth Brooks...Luke won though.


"Old School" country is still the best country music.


Except when it comes to Sam Hunt. I can't believe he didn't win best new artist. He is so good to me. Alhough can you just imagine what George Strait must think about the lines in his hair and his red skinny jeans??

and Taylor Swift will never not dance at awards shows.



Thursday, April 16, 2015

the one with four today

Because today is Thursday, and it's my Friday, I will do a Friday's Four today. Confusing enough??

||one|| That's right, I am not working tomorrow because I have an appointment and then I am off to the old college stomping grounds.. I am going to Fayetteville for a dear friend's wedding whom I met my freshman year of college in our ballroom dance class and we have been friends since. We became even closer when we were neighbors our senior year on the most badass block in Fayetteville. No seriously..everyone was jealous. Molly and I did lots of random things together, like taking a study break to take pictures on the square at Christmas.

we also went to quite a few games together..this particular game was against Tennessee in November and College Gameday came to town. The game was at 11:00 AM and by 7:00 that evening I was already a touch hung. I think I had my first screwdriver at 7:15 am. But it was fun and we won and we got a picture with Pork Chop.


And I found quite a few of these...I guess she needed a kiss.


I wish you two a lifetime of happiness, my friend!

||two|| anyone watch Idol and see Quentin get shamed by HCJ? Most people are on #teamQuentin, but I am so #teamHarry. It was one of those moments where you kind of have to not listen because whatever team you are rooting for it was #awkward. Of course my top two favorite performances were Clark singing Superstition and #2 was Clark singing Moon River. I know, Moon River?? But it was so good. Spoiler: Joey went home and I am glad. Call me simple-minded but I don't like her style of music or her teeth.


||three|| I haven't done a list of some of my favorite things lately because I haven't bought anything lately....but now I got a tax refund, I can purchase a few things for myself and not risk being turned over to a collection agency.



1. These lemon cupcakes are everything. If you like lemon, you must make these. They are super easy, super un-dry (because I hate the M word), and taste like they are from a delicious bakery. I have made them three times now, and they get rave reviews every time. I have to bring them to school with me because I would eat all of them if they stayed at my house. The recipe is found @ Averi Cooks
I cook mine for only 16 minutes.

2. I have always been a ZBB fan and this song doesn't disappoint. Go download Homegrown.

3. I swore off Vodka a few years ago when I kicked the door down at my house because I was locked out (only to have just overlooked my key that I "hid" from myself). That was until I drank Tito's. It's so smooth and in all my cases, been hangover free. And it pairs nicely with a lemon cupcake.

4. When spring comes around, I love to go sockless but my nose (and anyone else's nose around me when I take my shoes off) literally can't deal. So I wear these loafer liners and all is well. I get them a Nordstrom.  

5. I hate when people wear tennis shoes and have neither been to the gym nor plan to go, especially when worn with Mom jeans featuring a nine inch zipper. In my profession there are more [horribly ugly] tennis shoes worn than there are at the gym. In the winter, I wear boots most days. But in the spring, I really have no option other than loafers. On casual Friday (a term used VERY loosely by most), I want a more casual option. So I did it. I bought Converse. I have yet to wear them to school, but plan to. I also kind of feel like Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Neighbor.

||four|| This kind of turned into a long post. But this made me laugh so hard--even more so because my Mom laughed until she cried, and I am sure you have seen in on the book, but just in case you haven't



y'all have a good weekend and be well!


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

the one with a reality roundup

||hillary|| By no means do I endorse this young lady, nor do I think she is best for the job, but mark my word: Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States of America. That is if Marco Rubio doesn't win by a narrow margin. At least if Hillary wins, SNL will be good because Kate McKinnon does a good Hillary. My dad might just move to Canada.



||the voice|| Even though Kimberly Nichole has given a damn near perfect performance two weeks in a row now, I don't think she will win. I think Sawyer will even though he totally had a Peter Brady note while performing Imagine by John Lenon last night (and I am still not convinced he doesn't hot roll his hair..). But he is just 15. I don't even think I had hair under my arms then. And Corey Kent didn't do so hot either. But those two guys are my favorites, followed by Meghan Linsey.


||dwts|| Yes, indeed. I do still watch Dancing With The Stars along all the other middle-aged mothers out there...I think Rumor Willis has a mirror ball trophy in her future. I am sure Mark's partner Willow could win, but I am sure she will have some rule about 14 year olds and not be able to accept the trophy--every week she continues to rub it in our faces that we are 29ish and she is just 14. Stop. Last night it was disney night and Mark Ballas looked so much like an American Horror Story cast member that I had to watch The Food Network before I went to sleep so I wouldn't have a nightmare.



||american idol|| I still think Clark will win. I read a leaked list of  songs to be sung this week and he is doing Superstition by Stevie Wonder AND Moon River. Check and Check. The Trouble With Love is still my favorite performance he has done.


That's all I have. Peace out.





Monday, April 13, 2015

the one with weekend shenanigans

My students use snapchat like it's a texting app. I am sure when they are not at school, it's used for things with more than a PG rating. So on Friday, while we were waiting for 4:00 to finally roll around, they taught me how to use it. So I created this snap. It took 30 minutes for me to do. It passed time quickly...I have always been a fan of turtle power.


On Saturday I worked out with Ashley and I didn't even do that much, but the lunges killed me. I had a big problem trying to sit on the commode yesterday.

Here's the best bit of info: My Mom ordered this stuff I am sure you all have seen on Facebook in the past few weeks. It's called Instantly Ageless. It claims to be "Botox in a bottle.." I knew going into it that this stuff only lasts 8 hours--so I did it before I went to an event Saturday night. I took a before picture (and you can kind of see the bags in the photo above with Leonardo) and after picture. I SWEAR TO YOU: THIS IS COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC, NO PHOTOSHOP. Promise. Promise on my Mother's life.  Just look.


The before is taken inside and that's why I look so red. The second is natural, outdoor lighting. It was like this until I went to bed.  Here are some more pictures from the event to prove just how real the results are...


It kind of lightens the skin as well--I guess to make any dark circles less noticeable....

But this stuff is good stuff and I will be buying my own.

I can put you in touch with my "dealer" if you are interested...




Friday, April 10, 2015

the one with eight

No no. I didn't run away. Sorry for the absence, I have been busy doing other things. Notice I didn't say "busy" like most people do when they fail to deliver..I am guilty of that as well.. But truth be told, we just find better/other things to do--in my case, catching up on The Royals on E!..It's my newest guilty pleasure. So instead of four, I will do Friday's eight...

|one| Since I last posted, I had Spring Break (filled with printing shirts..). I did shirts for nine events over the past 10 days. It's been crazy busy. One of my favorites I did was for the Lee Academy senior class that I totes ripped off from Patagonia, but who hasn't ever creatively borrowed ideas??


|two| I celebrated my best friend's 30th. We decided we would just have a really nice dinner at Terrace at the River Inn on the Island in Memphis and not go out, just go home. First of all, the views were spectacular. And the dinner was just as awesome. You all should check it out if you are near Memphis.


You know how I said we were going home after dinner? We did. But when we got there, we decided you only turn 30 once, so why not go back downtown, to our favorite establishment in the world--Raifords. Just so happens, Shea and Paula have the same birthday!


We didn't get home until 3AM. I am just plain too old for all those shenanigans. I took a 6 hour nap on Sunday.

|three| In addition to pretending like I was 22, I also enjoyed the glimpse of nice weather we had for only three days..Lots of cooking out, lots of fun times. The only cute girl I got to hang out with was Lee Kathryn, who insisted on a selfie and then requested that I "tag her" [on instagram]. She is only THREE and knows what it means to tag.

|four| TV is good. The Voice is live now, and I think the top contenders from team Blake/Pharrell are Cole and Corey Kent White. Scandal has been better, but I still watch in real time--that's huge for me.

|five| I got some really good news from my accountant. I haven't gotten a refund since I worked at Mr. Video in high school. Last year I was so broke after I paid taxes I went shopping at my parents' house for two months. This year I get a refund and I am over the  moon excited! It's because I bought a house...so there's is good that comes from being a homeowner!!

|six| Only seven more weeks of school until I get Summer Break--a break I enjoy far more as an adult than I did as a student. I have a couple of trips in mind--for the 30th birthdays, a group of us are going somewhere, just not sure where yet. And my family will do something as well...Dad is against anyplace a passport is required, Mom would rather not fly, and Matthew and I want to take a long-ass flight to somewhere with a 12 hour time difference.

|seven| I did some new art for Junior Auxiliary Charity Ball--my friend Kelly is the HBIC. There are so many layers of colors because I would do a shade that was just not right, so there are SO MANY colors, but I love it. I hung it on my wall to take a picture and it looks really good in that spot, so I may just be the high bidder..



|eight| Happy Friday, y'all!



Friday, March 20, 2015

the one with friday's four [20MAR15]



+one: I totally can't function without my Holly. My link up with Kara was what is known as an EPIC FAIL. I totally feel like Robin Thicke must have felt like when he released his album Paula and only sold 400 copies... Oh well, there were only five participants including Kara and me. Woomp Woomp...Holly had a tiny catastrophe and Olive Betty was sick all night, so she had more pressing issues than a guest post. I promise we will do one again, and I will either pay people to participate or Kara suggested we could make fake blogs and link them....Oh well, my blog without Holly is like American Idol without Simon and Paula.

+two: I am reading a book that is super duper sad because I make myself read a non-fiction for every third fiction book to remove myself from the fantasy world I loose myself in when I read about fictional events. This book is called Fly a Little Higher: How God Answered One Mom's Small Prayer in a Big Way. It's about the life of a kid named Zach who has terminal cancer and his amazing gift of song writing.



From Amazon: But Zach’s story is not just about music. It’s a testament to what can happen when you live as if each day might be your last. It’s a story about the human spirit. It’s about how God used a dying boy from a small town in Minnesota to touch the hearts of millions—including top executives in the music industry, major music artists, news anchors, talk show hosts, actors, priests and pastors, and school children across the globe. --This is a MUST READ. It's not too terribly sad because of the joy he brought so many...read it.

+three: Y'all know how I like Timehop. Well I hated it today. This is what I saw. My facebook status from 2010.


Boy, how things have changed. Used to, I went on a legit vacation every big break from school--spring break, summer break (usually 2-3), and Christmas break...now, I go when my parents pay and I plan. My credit card balance is higher than the elevation of the mountains I once skied on a vacation...This Spring Break, I am printing shirts all week--I don't know when I will learn to like common things. I would rather just do without than settle...

+four: Since I am probably not blogging next week because I will be working like a slave, I want to go ahead and wish my very best friend in the whole wide world a HAPPY HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY on Monday...See... back in the day, we would celebrate her birthday on our Spring Break trip and my birthday on the Christmas break trip. This year, we will have lunch. How grand....

at a high school party...

chicago, spring break 2012

2009 after a trip to mexico

2013, shea's birthday

at a dave show in 2013

wedding fun


Happy Birthday, my friend! I hope we get to spend many many more together!!



Thursday, March 12, 2015

the one with a LINK UP!

the life of jake

The day is finally here again! It's like Christmas morning to me. It's LINK UP TIME!! Kara and I are hosting this one since Holly has jumped ship on us...but hold the phone...One of my top 10 favorite people OF ALL TIME is back in my life again! She needs absolutely no introduction to anyone in the blog world because of course she is (in my best SNL version) literally everything.  But for the eight person audience I have own my own, she is the the one who made my blog have traffic. And the reason I have "over 1000 Instagram followers" as I love to remind my friends who have only 200. Shameless plug--with all the anticipated traffic thanks to my fairly blog mother pimping this post, first things first I'm a realist go follow me on Instagram here or search me @jakegerrard (I'll take it off private for today because some people feel crunchy requesting to follow others--sometimes my pride gets me too..)

+one: This weather is really..... my go-to boring convo topic with someone equally as snore fest.... AND it makes me think Al Gore is an ever bigger idiot than I once thought. It certainly doesn't add up to me. I don't consider NINE degrees in March to be any kind of climate crisis other than keeping me in school until July/4:30 because of the snow.

+two: You think you've seen it all, you should see me.... when my cousin Marilyn and I karaoke and the DJ plays anything by Salt+Peppa or Snoop. It's looks something like this:


We are automatically taken back to the 1900's. It's big.

+three: I'm sure you would still love me even if... you could see my browser history...

+four: I think I have finally realized... I am never going to be an E! News host, have my own cooking show (Down Home Dinner With Uptown Style), get selected as a Big Brother houseguest--about 12 of last season's 16 were scouted, and let's face it--I am no Ken doll, or enjoy English peas.

+five: Since the last time we linked up (February 28, 2014)... my bank account has dropped a significant amount of sizes and my jeans have increased...isn't that ironic? Owning a home is only fun when I don't have to transfer money to pay for something so not fun like a new breaker box or homeowner's insurance. Ew. I imagine it is what choosing to have children must be like...spending money on something that is of no benefit to me...and Mother thinks she is ready for grands...not from me.

+six: I get super embarrassed... for those people who think they are good singers and are so not even a little bit good... Like this guy on The Bachelorette a few years ago..



See, I told you...and you thought I would tell you something embarrassing about me...well, nothing comes to mind.

+seven: I really thought by now... I would be rich and I am so confused why I'm not.

+eight: If I thought no one would read it, I would write about... the time I had the hemorrhoid. And how it was thrombosed--which basically means it has a heartbeat--then it erupted as I was dropping the kids off at the pool. Then it looked like a murder scene in the toilet and the reason I don't make anything red velvet any more. And then it wouldn't stop so I went to the school nurse and she said there was nothing I could do except wear a kotex maxi pad. Yeah, no. I went home.

+nine: I knew I was in the wrong place...  when I walked out of a gas station, opened the door and got into my friend's car (I was driving) and two old ladies in the back seat asked if I was "looking for a hot date." Their husbands' were inside the gas station. In about 10 seconds they asked if I was married and told me how much I reminded one of her grandson who "finally just got married....didn't think he would ever..." So it was pretty much a slap in the face by two blue haired strangers.

+ten: I am so not above... paying for my entire order at Sonic with coins. They never get my order correct and it takes an obscene amount of time to deliver a butterfinger blast with extra butterfinger and NO WHIPPED TOPPING that ALWAYS has whipped topping. So I count the change and then give it to them in a handful, not separated by coin...

+eleven: Let's pretend... two things: I am still 29 AND I would be able to use my shades all day and be somewhere like this...



+twelve: Just you wait... Holly will blog again one day...and maybe Hubby Jack, too..Prepare yourself--Holly's Post is coming...