Wednesday, July 23, 2014

the one about my summer break so far

hello….Is it me your looking for???

I know it has been far too long since we last spoke, and to be frank…I think y’all have missed me. I have fan mail to prove it. Haha. But honestly, between the house renovation and shirt stuff [ and just being a homeowner] I have been pretty busy. To be fair though, I have had some fun this summer—a summer that has sped by faster than I drive though town.  Here are some highlights—

|bruno mars concert| y’all know I have been to my fair share of concerts—everyone from Shania Twain to Pearl Jam—and this show was THE BEST CONCERT I HAVE EVER SEEN. Hands down. Better than my very first concert—Garth. Better than my front row seats at Aerosmith where Miss Steven Tyler gave my a high five.. Bruno is just damn good. He opened the show with the concert’s title—Moonshine Jungle. It just got better and better and better…ultimately he did every song I could have hoped for, except It Will Rain..but that’s no problem. He closed with the best song in his repertoire—Gorilla. If you ever get a chance to see one of his shows, spend the money. GO. You will not be sorry.

|lionel richie concert|this show was about 10 days after bruno, at the same place…only this show didn’t even use the upper deck and our seats for lionel were damn near on the floor. I did not expect to have as much fun at lionel as I did at bruno—I had more fun. Lionel is a fun show, Bruno is a pimp show. But of course I had to buy a concert tee for the price I pay for a tank of gas—that I could total make for ten bucks. But I just had to have it as it featured a dashing photo of mr. richie from he prime, complete with a super fetching jheri curl. We danced on the ceiling.

|lake for the fourth| I went to Heber [Greers Ferry] with Kelly this year again…If your memory serves you correctly, you will recall my trip with her last year for what was supposed to be a night or two that ended up being the whole week on the houseboat and I had to wash my one pair of trunks and one shirt in the sink at the hotel. This year I planned on three nights, but took my own vehicle just in case. Also, Kelly’s folk just bought a pimp tight lake house so we stayed in style—as stylish as my air mattress could be.
I got a lot of flak for this picture because some seemed to think I was inebriated, trying to dance—wrong, I was fairly sober trying to keep the ashes from falling off what we pretended to be a Cruella DeVille cigarette sparkler on to my toe, again. Safety first people.  Fun weekend with great friends.

before and after of my kitchen...I like the floors now!

|painters+contractors almost finished| The painter is finished. She would have finished a lot earlier in the unlikely event she would work a full hour without taking a smoke break that was ended with butts thrown into the pile that I just got finished cleaning up last weekend. Then there was the day her “son was involved in a traffic accident and she couldn’t come to work that day” when her daughter --who was helping her-- let it slip to me that her brother [the son of the painter] was riding his bicycle and ran into a parked car. So it ended up taking her from the end of April to the third week in June to “finish”. I say “finish” because the laundry room cabinets were primed. That’s all.

I am still waiting for the gas line to be connected by the gas company. See, what had happened was… my Dad misspoke when he told me where the gas line ran [the one in the ground]. He says he told me the east side of my house, but I know he said the west.  Long story short, I had to pay someone to completely reroute the lines in my attic to exit out the east side because if I would had run the underground line to the current exit location there would be a “substantial fee” as it was more than 100 feet from the underground line—112 to be exact. This is how everything has turned out as far as big projects go. Every single person who has done anything with my house says at one point “this is the first time I have ever seen anything like this….”  

||UPDATE {because I wrote this blog last week}|| gas is done--I can now cook! Shout out to OC Chunn for all he did for me! I know he doesn't read this, but he is da bomb DOT COM.

Overall, it feels like home to me now even though I still don’t have a sofa in the formal living room [or front living room as I like to call it because I don’t really do “formal”]. But, that room has turned out to be the room where my list of favorites are featured. 

|the paint color|
cape may cobblestone, Benjamin Moore

|the custom sideboard|

|the rug from west elm and navy velvet chairs|  

Even though this is in my breakfast room, it’s a favorite too. My buddy |JUSTIN WEATHERFORD| [he requested a shout out on my blog—like I would miss an opportunity to show off something awesome in my house that would make others jealous] made this for me from a blend of inspiration photos I sent him. It turned out to be faboosh. 

Also, my BFF Shea made custom drapes for this room {sorry, no pic}. I was originally planning to purchase an off white linen fabric from some stuffy shop in Memphis that was $30/yard. I needed 20 yards. That’s $600 for all of y’all who need a calculator. No ma’am.  So I stopped by this great little place close to home and found the almost exact same fabric for $6.99/yard. I am sure it’s not 100% linen, but it looks good to me.

 I have only been to two weddings this summer...I know, right...usually I have been to six by now. The first was for my lifelong friend, Anna. She has been my baby sitter, my ride to school, my prayer breakfast partner, and such a role model! I love her! And the second wedding was that of my co-worker, Christina. It was outside--just about a week ago. I have never been so hot in all my days. Luckily and Lavishly, the reception was in an air-conditioned tent. Good stuff! I also sot to hang my good friend Amy--who left us at BHS for another job. We miss her. The other lovely lady on the left is my carpool buddy--fun fact: she taught me in junior high--full circle!

Last weekend I went back to the lake with my Marianna friends..good time, as per usual.

I hope you have all had an awesome summer, and when I start back to school I will of course blog when I am “on a break” if those damn kids don’t put me on blast because I actually have a life. I will have a full update, complete with before and after shot of my house as soon as the afters exist.

Y’all be well, and stay cool—even though today it’s unseasonably cool for the second time this summer. It stayed winter forever, rained more in June than all but one year on record, it was 88 degrees on the fourth of July, last week the lows in the 50’s….hope y’all are straight with the Man Upstairs because I think He’s coming again. Soon. You heard it here first people…

until next time…

Friday, May 30, 2014

the one with a renovation update


So they say by the end of next week, my house should be completed. When the contractor told me this information I almost cried tears of joy. You see, contractors work on more than one project at the time even though my house reigns supreme and should have been started and finished in seven days like Ty does on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Not so much the case. Instead I am lucky if I come home to a house with a door back on the pantry closet that was removed for tile to be laid or a light switch dangling out of the wall that so graciously sends a volt of electricity up my arm every time I touch it. I now just sit in the dark or turn on a lamp. It's not worth it.

But, progress has slowly been made. My dad suggested I ask the painter if she would like for me to buy her a bigger paint brush. It is taking forever for her to paint. I don't understand. BUT, I am OBSESSED with the color[s] I chose. I went with Revere Pewter by Benji Moore for my bedroom and the kitchen, hall, laundry, and breakfast room. It is the perfect, light gray that is warm and inviting. BIG THANKS to Beth for suggesting I try it again--when I got lights overhead and primed. The front living room is Cape May Cobblestone by BM. It is even better than Revere Pewter--it's a few shades darker...

The tile is grouted. I like it better now. The sealer should seal the deal on my opinion when it gets done. Aren't I just a riot....

I made these for the kitchen. They will be in black frames. I stole the idea from The Old Try because I can do these at my other job for free and not have to pay 40 bucks for them...

Today is my LAST FRIDAY of school. The students' semester exams were yesterday and today. And they are expected to show up to school on Monday. DOUBT IT. So Monday is the last full day for me and then I go Tuesday until lunch. Dare I say this year has gone by really quickly for me?? It seems like I just started this school year yesterday. Two weeks after it started was the first time I ever went inside what is now my house. It took over six months for the owner to decide it wasn't worth what she was asking, the pipes froze and burst and flooded the kitchen I was gutting anyway, and I made an offer nearly $100 THOUSAND dollars below the original asking price and she accepted. I was thrilled. Now, if I can just get a few more things done, the first phase of renovation will be finished. Here is what is left to do:

1. install the gas line for my range and the fireplace
2. install water line where my refridgerator will go.
3. put all of the appliances in place
4. install ABSOLUTE BLACK GRANITE counter tops--I am sure I will regret, but it is what I wanted from day one, so I am getting it.
5. finish white subway tile back splash
6. seal the slate floor
7. finish painting--2 bathrooms, a bedroom, a hallway, another hallway, laundry room, kitchen and breakfast room.
8. paint metal cabinets--another painter is doing this who is also painting the trim outside

Yeah, I don't think it will be finished by the end of next week either...... 

until next time...

Thursday, May 22, 2014

the one that's long overdue

Hey y'all.

What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been for me. I certainly appreciate all of y'all letting me know you miss reading my blog. I have heard from so many people, I am on the verge of thinking my fantasy world thoughts of be a celebrity are kind of true. But that's neither here nor there. I live vicariously though my friends who actually have lives and bump elbows with the rich and famous. Case in point, my friend Amy who lunched a table away from Prince Harry at the Memphis Country Club when he was in the States. Proof:

Let's catch up on life, shall we?

----My parents' house was broken in to the week after I moved in the neighborhood that goes to bed with their doors unlocked. I know, right...just my luck. That bastard got away with over $50 thousand worth of mostly cash and jewelry that belonged to my mom--including but not limited to, her original wedding/engagement ring. Luckily she was wearing the new ring my dad gave her for their 25th wedding anniversary and the diamonds in her ears..We found out it was someone who works for my dad and he used the hidden key to let himself right in. He was picked up by the cops about 3 hours away for speeding and he was wearing my class ring. What an idiot. They found my mom's rings, so that is a relief...But don't come up our neighborhood drive and expect not to be on someone in the neighborhoods security cameras....

----My Aunt got married on May 1. It was a Thursday. Not sure what the significance of the date was, but it was in their back yard. It was the third wedding for them both. He used to be married to my grandmother's (the bride's aunt) twin sister. That's neat, huh. Here is a picture of my Mom, my brother, the bride--the one in the green dress with flowers that eerily resemble nipples--and her three boys. I look like a fish out of water..I guess I am adopted.

my mama and me

---My house. Oh my house. Here is what I have learned about that....

a. Contractors--mainly the floor guy---are absolutely oblivious to the fact I have a panic attack every time I come home and there is is a new Dr. Thunder or Mt. Lightening thrown in my yard right beside cigarette butts. I spend every afternoon picking up trash the same way I did my freshman year of college as a Sigma Chi pledge. It's real neat. I have more cuts and scrapes than I have ever had.

b. Budget-smudget. I can't seem to buy anything for less than $1000. It's crazy. I have recently opened a charge account at Harvey's--a hardware/ACE store.. I am so scared to get my bill. I have never ever spent so much money in this short of a time in my whole life. Except for that one time I owned three new vehicles in one year.. I am thinking about hanging a poster on the wall and writing what needs to be done and make them check it off, and I will pay them for said task upon completion.

c. Every room except for one had wallpaper that had been there since 1952. No lie. The poor girl who looks just like Tammy Hephill--Mitch McDeer's secretary in The Firm-- has been stripping wallpaper for 2 weeks. The room that had grass cloth wallpaper was going to stay and I was painting over the grass cloth--well as you can imagine, that paper just fell off without even scraping once it was slightly damp from a little no grass cloth...

d. My kitchen floor doesn't look how I wanted it to look. The sample box of slate I got was all pretty much uniform in color--dark gray...when the tile guy (who only works on Saturday because he has another job and is slower than Melissa McCarthy's mile per minute pace) laid it, it turned out to make me sweat under my armpits and say words I didn't know existed as though I was speaking in tongue to make snakes rise from wicker baskets. I felt like Monica--the color isn't right, it looks like a patio, and don't even get me started on the uneven number of tiles per row... But it is growing on me, because I am not re-doing it. What do y'all think??

I hasn't been grouted or sealed yet...and yes--that is a cigarette butt in my floor.

e. I wanted--like everyone else I know--to get everything in my house from Restoration Hardware. Then, I remember I am not Prince Harry and decided to ask my genius dad to build a table for me.

Here is the original:

and my Dad welded this for me--It's just the base, but the cypress top is coming. I had it specially made so instead of it being just 1 1/2 inches thick--it's 3 inches thick--it will be so heavy but it will look so good.

f. my new best friend is the pressure washer...Y'all. There is absolutely nothing in the world like it. My front patio is stone. A stone I thought was gray--which would have been ironic because my front living room is being painted Graystone by Benjamin Moore. Turns out, it's not gray at all. It's a really kind of orange-ish color that looks like a calico cat when it was given just a little bit of TLC from the pressure washer and your's truly. It was so filthy, I did about 8 square feet and it took about 2 hours and the whole tank of gas. Of course I took pictures.

----I only have SIX school days remaining. It can't possibly come quickly enough. I am so ready to be at home when the workers are at my house to I can stand over their shoulders and micromanage the hell out of them and more than likely fire someone. I have learned it's always because they are "waiting on the __________ guy to do his job" to be able to do what they are supposed to do....

That's the cliff notes version of the last few weeks in my life. I will report more soon. Hope you all have enjoyed reading this post....If constuction doesn't send me to the looney bin, I will be back with more updates soon. Thanks for reading, guys! I appreciate feeling like a big deal when all I am is a bossy homeowner who is too picky about everything.

I have still not found a sofa I like for the front living room. I want navy blue I think.

y'all be well-

until next time...

Friday, April 18, 2014

the one with friday's four [a p r i l 1 8]

[one] I am teaching my 8th graders how to insert and edit tables in Microsoft Word. I try to stress to them the importance of knowing how to properly use the Microsoft Office Suite because it's so suite and it's super handy for dorks like me who get off on a good, detailed excel spreadsheet. Typically when I tell them this kind of information, they really seem interested and want to learn. One of my classes is half the size of the others and I can really do some one on one with them. So I sit beside them and help them a lot. I just started this recently. I was so concerned why one of my students always lifted his mouse in the air. I could not figure it out. Finally today, I realized when I would tell them that in order to be able to format their tables, their cursor must be inside the table. To select the entire table, they are to hover over the table until the table move handle appears and then they can click that to select the entire thing. When I said hover, his mouse hoovers in the air above his screen. I die. I laughed out loud.

[two] American Idol is finally getting good. This week, I think the theme was genius. All seven contestants, with the exception of CJ did an awesome job. Caleb simply kicks ass and takes names. Dude is amazing.

And I honestly expect Jena to win. She is wicked awesome. Plus this song is one of my all-time favorites.
I am a little upset that Dexter was voted off. Should have been CJ.

[three] I am just doing it. I am getting plantation shutters. It's kind of a funny story--not to get too into my finances, but you all know I have a side job of Graphic Design/T-shirt Business. I totaled up what I made from the jobs I completed recently and it's about $250.00 less than the total cost of plantation shutters. AND is pay day at my real job and somehow the auditors were off on last year's budget and we were all given an extra check for--guess how much?--$249.55...I am a believer in signs, and this sign has plantation shutters written all over it.

[four] I think just maybe I have found the right gray for my house. It's called Cape May Cobblestone by Benjamin Moore. Anyone ever used that color??

I am also making my final decision on cabinets and counter tops tomorrow.  Thinking of making this decision kind of makes my eye twitch and ass sweat a little bit. 

y'all have a good weekend!

until next time....

Thursday, April 17, 2014

the one about my new speed dial

I was so excited to have my faux wood blinds to hang in my living room when I got home from work yesterday. I thought I wanted (and still do) plantation shutters, but when the lady gave me a quote I was certain she was joking with me. After I choked and realized she was serious, I politely declined her offer as I wasn't interested in selling a kidney.

I love a project--I think it's safe to say I have plenty of projects to keep me busy--and I was pumped to get to hang my new blinds. I should have known things would be headed south (aside from the fact I have worse luck than the most unlucky person you know) when i opened one box and no hardware was included. Not a problem, I am of course going back to Lowes this weekend to work on my kitchen and could pick up new hardware that was not included. After installing the brackets to hold the heavy ass blinds--that was hardly an easy project that resulted in more than a few triple cusses--you know the kind when just say the three you can think of at the moment and it comes out as though you are suffering from a severe case of turrets...

The effing blinds were about 1/8 of an inch too long to fit in the desired area.

Story. Of. My. Life.

Some would think this is an error of my own for not measuring correctly. It very well could be. But I guess I am confused how my window measures exactly 72 inches wide, but the 72 inch blinds are too big. That's stupid. And caused me to say rude things to my mom when she was just trying to help when I was really just pissed about the blinds.

I think I will just bite the bullet and pay for the plantation shutters. I can do without food or toilet paper for a month to pay for them.

And my commode will not stop running even though I bought a new deal to make it stop and gagged like I was getting an impression done at the orthodontist when I installed this thing that still didn't work. I have learned that handymen and plumbers need jobs too, so I am swallowing my pride and putting them both on speed dial because I am so over feeling accomplished from doing something myself.

Also on said speed dial list: wallpaper remover, professional organizer, and painter. I am beyond over those things. However, I plan to channel all of my energy in the latest project I have on my list. I have decided I am installing a chandelier in my front living room. The one I want is over $2000 at Restoration Hardware. I can't go without food for two months--I draw the line. So I have spoken to the fine folks and Texas Lamp Company, and they have all the supplies I need to BUILD A SPUTNIK. I know what you are thinking--but I am doing it. Here's my inspiration.  Oh, and the supplies to build my sputnik cost about $62.00...

So if I waste 60 bucks on this, I just know I have wasted $60 on things far worse than this. More than likely I will be buying this one before all is said and done, but it's worth a try.

until next time....

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

the one about analysis paralysis

Hi. I always think of Ross walking into Central Perk when I say this. While I don't feel like Ross, I do feel like Monica as I am trying to make everything perfect with my new house and honestly, it's making me feel like her when she forgot to invite Rachel's mom to her baby shower--ass sweat.

So I am so excited about having a new house and all the joy that comes with it. Don't get me wrong. I love when someone shows up unexpectedly and I am elbow deep in new hangers for my closet to make everything "just perfect" and I look like the homeless man that walks down the road in front of my house. I love to show them the house, explain what will be, and say (like clockwork) "it has good bones..." and said unexpected visitor always says, "I can't wait to see what you do to will be so awesome" Like I am Jonathan from Property Brothers.

I have quickly learned it will take time because A) the Miracle Grow didn't work on my Money Tree B) EVERYTHING TAKES SO LONG C) After watching lots of Property Brothers last weekend, one homeowner said it perfectly--I am in Analysis Paralysis. I can't possibly make one more decision. It's just too hard. TOO HARD.

I have to let it go. I know it will be fine and good but I want it to be perfect. Yesterday. 

I am going back to Memphis this weekend to shop for kitchen flooring--the biggest decision yet, other than the paint color that I still can't decide on....I asked my dad to go with me because he is VERY thorough and will ask questions that you didn't even think could possibly exist. For the most part this wears me out, but there is always something he asks that makes me go "hmmmm...." While there, we are also visiting the Apple store to pick up a new iMac for him since they have Windows XP and his ass sweats when the words "virus" or "anti-virus software" come up. I have told him what he needs, and I think he has decided, but I will guarantee we will be in the store for no less than two hours and the Apple "genius" from the "genius bar" will have the best stories to tell his friends after we leave.

And Lord have mercy on me when he is not able to use Widows.

until next time...

Friday, April 11, 2014

the one with friday's four: new digs edition

So it's been 10 days since I blogged last. I have not been a good boy lately. I apologize to my thousands of 42 readers. So there's this whole new homeowner deal.... with that, I bring you Friday's Four--New Digs Edition.

1. I am all moved in to my new big boy house and have said goodbye to the two room 800 square foot pool house that I called home for almost four years. It was good, but my new digs are pimp. Well, they will be after I spend more money than I made last year on renovations. Speaking of, I will tell you my reno plan.

Wall Knock Out:

This is in my living room. You walk into this room at the front door. That wall you see is the wall that is being knocked out. On the other side is the kitchen. Where this picture is taken, I am standing in the middle of the room. It's a huge room. That means lots of furniture that I do not have and will have to buy. EVERYTHING COSTS SO MUCH. I guess I am confused as to why a chair can't be bought for less that $500. I need two. And a Sofa. And "occasional tables" that I once thought were called end tables or side tables. I have met with the contractor and he is on the books for Monday, April 21. I can't wait. This is what it will look like when this little project is finished--that I of course got from Pinterest.

2. So I mentioned a few weeks ago I am looking for the perfect gray to paint the majority of my house. I have tested 11 different colors. I feel certain there are far more than 50 Shades of Grey, Christian. The front runner is a Benjamin Moore color--Revere Pewter. I have to wait for the electricians to install lights (that's another issue--there are no ABSOLUTELY ZERO overhead lights anywhere in the whole house, except the kitchen.) to see how the colors look then. I want a gray that is warm--maybe like more of a putty color, a little bit lighter than a sauteed mushroom.

The one in the middle is smoked tan, and it looks to khaki--a color that is more 1997 than the Spice Girls and I refuse to have a color that every housewife in Arkansas paints for the same reason they buy the same boot in brown and black--it's a safe bet and no risks are taken. I want a few risks, but not so much that I could appear in the MoMa. I like Sandstone OK, but it's a little too cool toned. Once I primed the wall and re-painted Revere Pewter it's better. But it still looks a touch pink to me.

3. A bed. I need a bed. Part of me thinks I want to "take a risk." To me, taking a risk means choosing furniture that is not from Pottery Barn or West Elm, not wood, or not gray. I am thinking I want an iron bed. Something like this. All my bedding is white-duh and I am thinking of doing a navy rug.

Or I like this one too, it's from West Elm. And Wooden, with a gray tint.

4.  I have not 100% decided on kitchen yet, but I am pretty sure I am doing white cabinets with "absolute black" granite counter tops, slate floor, white subway tile back splash.

So many decisions. What's your opinion(s)?

until next time...

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

the one about Toddy

as promised, the story about the barn....

Saturday night I went to a cocktail party--not the kind they have on The Bachelor where 25 women gab about how they are in love with the same man after shaking his hand once right out of the limo and not even knowing his last name, I digress--for one of my really amazing friends from high school. She was four years older than I am, and I always thought she and her friends were total babes. You can imagine the day they asked me to sit with them at lunch when I was in the 8th grade--I thought I was the bee's knees. I was.

We arrive at our destination in the Pecan Grove in Marianna--it's where the best houses of the county sit perfectly nestled into countless acres littered with pecan trees. It's like Gone With The Wind. This particular house is the newest one there, just having been Christened at the end of 2013. It's amazing, but that's not the point.

After about three or four solid hours of partying, I get a text from my Dad asking my whereabouts. My parents were out of town for the weekend, and Matthew McConaughey from Failure To Launch my brother was out of town too. Dad needed me to go to the barn to feed the horses. I have done this before and it's not fun to me at all. Since they had missed their morning feed, he needed me to go sooner than later. I decided there was no time like the present, and I loaded up--in my cocktail attire, Sports Coat, Light Blue Chinos, and GUCCI loafers. Kelly rode with me to keep me company, and what I suspected would be for entertainment purposes. I was not wrong.

I pull up to the barn and the horse was running like she was being chased OUTSIDE the fence. In my mind I was convinced the horse had jumped the fence and had some gaping wound that I would have to either address there or load her up and take her to the emergency care clinic for animals. After calling my dad to inform him about this, he instructed me to call her--to which immediately I responded, why can't I just text--he didn't think that was too funny. I asked him her name--which is Toddy, and they don't drink--and made sure that was their horse and not one from someone else's barn. I asked if she was wearing a red collar, and he said "Jake, dogs wear collars and horses wear halters..."

There is also this whistle that they do to call horses. I did it. Kelly asked if I was competing in the Hunger Games and looking for Roo. Meanwhile, she is sitting in the car in her six inch heels laughing at me, not helping one bit. Finally Toddy came to me after I made a promise to her that if she would make this easy on me and not ruin my shoes, I would give her a treat. But since she didn't follow through, she got no treat.

My shoes are not ruined luckily, but when I returned to the party I got a lot of crazy looks as I looked as though I had been competing in the Hunger Games...

Here are some pics I took prior to my playing in the mud...

until next time...

Monday, March 31, 2014

the one with good news...finally

It's FINALLY official. I am a homeowner.

I have never dealt with something that turned out so exciting that was so frustrating to achieve. I know people have told me that it takes time, it's a nightmare, it is frustrating, etc. It was definitely all of the above. The original closing date was March 14. That got moved to March 21 because the 911 address and the USPS address didn't match up. Then on the 28th, the bank saw that I transferred money from my checking account to my savings account--because I try to be responsible and save money--. So I had to provide a savings account statement and a checking statement to prove I didn't steal $500 from my Mom, because she is listed on my checking account. So then the date got moved to "the middle of the week" last week. That didn't happen either. I finally signed my part of the paperwork--I signed my name 47 times--on Friday afternoon, and the seller signed this morning. So at 10:30 I got a call, congratulating me on my new house. What a relief.

I also received my scores for the Praxis [test you take to be a teacher] this morning. I had to take the Marketing Education test because I now teach Marketing. I passed! It was really hard. I thought since I have a degree in Marketing Management, I wouldn't need to study. I should have studied. Passing score is 156 and I made a 166. The highest score possible is 180, so I guess I did ok...

Today is my first day back from Spring Break. I did NOT want to come to work today. I did nothing fun over the break. I designed and printed shirts for about 4 different events.

Rodeo, Delta Classic.

Sixth Grade Space Camp

Mother's Day 5-K

I have a good story for tomorrow. I'll tell you this: My parents were out of town and I was in charge of feeding the horses. I left a cocktail party to feed. I was wearing Gucci loafers.

until next time...

Thursday, March 20, 2014

the one with a few complaints

Hi guys...tomorrow is supposed to be the second original closing date on my house. I got an email from the loan officer yesterday and it seems as though lots of people decided to buy a house in the last month or so, causing the underwriters to be extremely overwhelmed with work. I guess I am confused because I am a big fan of asking employees to list their job descriptions, and nine times out of ten, the task they aren't completing is always a task they list. Let's say I don't teach my kids the stupid common core standards set by a bunch of ass holes in Washington who have no idea what it's like inside a REAL classroom. Well, those ass holes will reprimand me for not teaching what is equivalant to teaching a deaf-mute to sing with "perfect intonation" that would capture HCJ's attention so he will shut the hell up about tone and pitch.

Damn that's a lot of bitching for one paragraph. Let me break it down for you.

Underwriters/Loan Officers--not fulfilling their promise to close on March 21. What does one do about that?? Well, there's really not shit I can do. I guess I will just wait and see if the THIRD date he gave me [which is a very ambiguously set for 'the middle of next week'] actually happens. I have stuff to do, and my Spring Break is next week when I planned to accomplish all those task on my list that is two columns wide on a Word document with size 12 font, single spaced. I know. I am painting the bedrooms [2], office, and den myself...I can do it as long as I just concentrate and make sure my adderall script is doing its magic. I am having a professional do the main living room. Also, I am saving money because I have my budget in the red already [and I haven't even started] by painting the tile in my bathroom. I have watched countless youtube tutorials and read lots of blogs about painting bathroom tile, and even the bathtub. Has anyone done this??

This is a picture of my bathroom:
I really kind of fancy the floor. It's black and white. That tile's a different story. I want to paint it white and then the sheet rock wall above can be some shade of gray. I would replace the vanity and lighting. Also, I would remove that geriatric hardware from the bath...

I saw this on Pinterest, and I think I can totes do it with the right materials, and lots of patience.

Source : Arrow Creek Cottage 

Next topic: Harry on Idol. I think he is "getting a little big for his britches" as my Dad used to tell me. I don't know that Adele could please his longing for "perfect intonation." I am not sure if he hears tone differently that I do, but for the most part I think he just likes to show that he knows more than us. I have a pretty good ear for tone, and I do hear most of what he complains CJ last night. Oh wow. That was bad. To be fair though, I don't know if I have ever heard that song sung in tune because Hunter Hayes is ALWAYS OFF.

My top three of the night were Sam Woolf, Jessica Muese, and I hate to say it....Malaya Watson slayed Bruno Mars--she is becoming a frontrunner to me. I have to make note that I think the person with the best overall sound is Caleb--dude can blow.

The bottom three, and the three that I think will be in the bottom on tonight's results show were CJ Harris, Dexter Roberts [who I have one word for--buttondown, not knit pullovers] who did a very sleepy version of Cruise, and MJ who screwed up the few words she actually remembered. I think tonight MJ will get the boot.

Finally, common core is stupid an no kid can learn if this continues to be what's trendy among non teachers who govern what goes on inside the classrooms that, believe it or not, aren't like they were 50 years ago--we pick our battles as teachers.

Speaking of, Parent-Teacher conferences are tonight. Should make for a good post tomorrow--that's FRIDAY and the start of my SPRING BREAK.

You probably saw this on my IG/Facebook, but in case you didn't...this is my Mom's new doggie. She is a Catahoula Mountain Cur and she is so stinking funny. Her name is Jolene.

until next time....

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

the one about #hashtags

I am teaching Excel this quarter in my Business Applications class. I highly doubt that any of y'all get off on a perfect Excel spreadsheet like I do, but just in case you are as big of a nerd as I am, this story will make you chuckle...

It's crazy that I got an email from the Arkansas Business Teacher's List Serve email club--be jealous, I get some excellent shit from my fellow constituents. I am totally lying. Most people ask other teachers for "good Ides of March Keyboarding Activities" or "Black History Month PowerPoint Projects" and I ALWAYS DELETE those. That shit is stoopid. Anyway, I got an email about this very story and thought it was weird because I have had students in the past say the same thing.

Excel is a spreadsheet application with a built in calculator. You can enter a formula to add or obtain an average...just about anything you need, Excel can do...I get all tingly just typing its description. It's that good. So if when you have a large sum (the answer to an addition problem) and your column is not wide enough to fit the entire number, you get this in you cell: ####### That just means you need to autofit the column to fit the widest cell. Or if you have entered the wrong formula, you will get #NAME! instead of the answer.

So one of my students asks (every single time) when she incorrectly types the formula even though she has a formula sheet AND it's written on the board, "Mine says hashtag name..." What is the world coming to? So now, prior to the students typing the formula, I say..."to keep from having the 'hashtag' prompt come up, make sure you type this exact formula..."

So needless to say, I kind of feel like a dork and old.

until next time....

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

the one about the plane

Where the hell is that plane? I am so confused. I don't understand how, in TWENTY FOURTEEN, a 777 with 300 people can just vanish? I am usually not up to date with the news, but this has intrigued me from the beginning [and they have covered it on E! News]. I am pretty sure it's terrorist related, but just to disappear is sketchy. It's like Lost. Or Cast Away. I am just confused. Apparently Courtney Love is too...She thinks she found it.

Speaking of confusing, I am certain my insides are wondering what in the world is going on. I am on day two of clean eating and no diet coke. It has really not been that bad..Also, no alcohol. I am not necessarily doing a "cleanse" but just a good old fashioned shape up or ship out. I actually already feel so much better than I typically feel. With no Diet Coke, I sleep SO. MUCH. BETTER. It's quality over quantity. I have not given up coffee..I drink it black anyway, so I don't think it can be that bad for me, right? It's not like I put rat poison aka coffee mate in it...

I am going to try to make it until Easter. Since I am not Catholic, and Lent is not really a thing for me, I don't think God is frowning upon my delayed start. And you are supposed to give up something that keeps you from the best relationship possible with Him, and had I not had Gin+Tonic on Saturday night, I would have not slept though church. Shame, shame Jake...

Anyone watch Dancing With The Stars last night?? I know, I am a Papaw. I just really like it. I have to say, Candice Bure surprised me. And that shirt she had on in the package where she and Mark met for the first time...did y'all see it? It said "My Favorite D.J. is D.J. Tanner" I kind of want it. After seeing her grown kids, I had to do a little research. She will be 38 years old next month.. Are you kidding me?? She looks great...

 until next time....

Friday, March 14, 2014

the one with friday's four [pi day-3.14]

[one] I am pissed the judges didn't use their save last night on Ben. I know had the roles been reversed, and Majesty been evicted---they would have used it. His cover of Elton was not the best, but it was a hell of a lot better than MK's version of Make You Feel My Love. First of all, Bob Dylan is a genius. So are the other cover artist--Billy Joel, GARTH BROOKS, and Adele. She sucked and her hair is definitely not a color found in nature. CJ did an amazing job. I think he is definitely a frontrunner again, despite the "seeming conundrum" as Keith would say.

While on Keith, let's talk about how he always tells the contestants to "loosen up" in which he pairs with a shoulder thing that looks like he sees a bee on his shoulder and is trying to get it off without swatting it.

[two] I finally got an email from the lender's assistant [who I speak with every day, multiple times] letting me know she had received everything, and everything was correct and good to go. You just do not even know how much of a relief that was to me, and I am sure all of my friends because this shit consumes my life right now. Then I got another email, about 24 minutes later. From her. This can't be. I am certain I am being punked. She asked me if I opened a new Credit Card on October 31, 2013. I immediately knew my identity had been stolen from my putting everything from bank account numbers to SSN to Teacher Retirement to W-2s out there, over the internet via email. My dad was right--I am way too loose with my personal info. But he still orders stuff by either mailing in the form or calling the customer service online shopping for him. BUT, my identity wasn't stolen. Thank God. I was in NYC on 10/31/13 and I opened a Saks card to receive 20% off my Burberry Coat. That was during my irresponsible days, and they are long gone. Now I have to go through 12 different people to figure out my account number.

Here is a picture of the outside of the house. It's currently featuring a lovely shade of blue as an accent color. The stone will be painted creamy white and the trim will be a warn tan color. New shutters will be unfinished pine or cypress--as will the door.

[three] I have a new little obsession. As I was scrolling through the new releases on iTunes this week, I came across The Dirty Guv'nahs. I have never heard of them. Ever. I really don't know how. But they are REALLY good. They funded this latest album through Kickstarter. They don't worry about what the record label wants, they record and release what they want to do. I looked back at some of the older albums, and they are all favorite so far: Blue Rose Stroll

[four] I will leave with this. Yesterday, one of my students said "G, I read your blog........."

until next time....

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

the one about food.

Typically, I am not one to post food pictures unless I think I have outdone myself. I try not to be one those who post a picture of their menu every. single. day. Those are the same cats that post gym pictures as well. Whatever. BUT, yesterday was the first day of 2014 that Mother Nature finally decided to stop PMSing and start giving us some hint that Spring may be near. It was over 70 degrees at one point during the day. Of course I did the things one is required to do on a day like that--open my windows at my house, wash my car (I know, right...), and finally fire up the grill.

One of my friends has the house that entertaining takes place, always has been. Mendy loves to cater to people's needs (literally) and cook the most healthy, delicious meals. She had an appointment in Memphis yesterday, and on her way home around 5:00, traffic was at a standstill on the bridge. She was going to inevitably be later than she planned getting home. Since she always provides for us, we decided to cook for her. At her house, because we are friends like that. And that is where all the kiddos were with the Nanny all day because it's their Spring Break.

Ashley brought in a dozen bags of groceries. I prepared all of those groceries. We did BBQ Chickem, Grilled Asparagus that made my pee stink and it still does, Grilled Zucchini and Squash, and a lovely Spinach Salad.
[note: these are mot my pictures--I borrowed them because I didn't have my phone]

Notice the Dressing--it's fat free. I always hate fat free dressing. ALWAYS. I think the real deal should just be eaten in moderation. But this dressing, this is a different story. I would compare this to my love for Ranch or Bleu Cheese, except it's a vinaigrette.  I strongly suggest you give it a try. And while you are testing my favorite dressings, try these too....

Garlic and Herb by Good Seasons is my all-time favorite. It's a mix, and so delicious.
Hendrickson's Sweet Vinegar and Olive Oil is good on everything. 
Ken's Steakhouse is, to me, the best bottled anything. Typically, I make all dressings, but I always have this on hand.

Now that I have bored you to tears and possibly made you hungry, I need to run. It's the bank calling and I am sure my lender's assistant needs a bank statement from from July of 2006 and every single cancelled check from my Junior Year in High school, so I need to run and get that.

                             I found another picture from this weekend. This is my cousin, Sarah. Isn't she pretty?                                   

until next time....

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

the one with trash talk [march11]

let's do a little trash talking, shall we??

--Did any of y'all watch Lindsay Lohan's new DocuSeries on Sunday night? Let me start by saying the only reason I even knew about this groundbreaking series is from watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. If you don't watch him, you suck. I kid, but he is so damn good, and I don't ever miss it. Well, I do in real time and watch the previous night's episode a day later. Back to LiLo...I am not ashamed to admit that Parent Trap was one of my favorites, and don't even get me started on Mean Girls.--I watch it every time it's on TBS. I want Lindsay to have a huge comeback and be as good as she was when Cady Herron existed, because that would be so fetch. The show follows her around, hunting for apartments in SoHo...I think she has it together as well as anyone else who has been to rehab half a dozen times and has more than likely already peaked, but knows she can re-peak, if that makes any sense--especially having Oprah on her side...the show is on OWN, Op's network on Sunday nights--the same time as #RichKidsofBeverlyHills on E!--also fetch.

--Justin Bieber is a huge dick head. Did you see his deposition? He thinks he is someone other than a skanky little prick who really can't sing.

These are some questions from his deposition that I borrowed from Perez:

Have you ever disciplined Mr. Hesney (Justin's bodyguard)?
Disciplined. What kind of question is that? Is he my son? Well, guess what? Guess what? I don't recall. (Winks at camera)

When Selena Gomez is mentioned:
Journalism? This isn't journalism? Don't ask me about her again. Don't ask me about her again. Don't ask me about her again. (Leaves deposition)

Is there anything funny in my question as to why you were laughing?
Well, I don't know Katie Couric you tell me.
This seems like a 60 Minutes interview.

Do you know Raymond Usher IV

Isn't it true that Usher was instrumental in starting your career?
I was found on YouTube I think that I was detrimental to my own career. (JB's lawyer says "He said that 'I think I was instrumental to my career.'")
I guess I am confused, if it weren't for Usher, you wouldn't be sh*t, bitch.

--The Voice was on last night, and it was pretty good. I think the best singer was not picked. The guy who was a single dad and a nurse. His phrasing was bad, and I like the song and his story, so that's my reasoning I guess. My brother says if you fast-forward through their "stories" you get a more accurate representation of thier voice because you don't feel sorry...Sharp boy, that brother of mine.

My next favorite that did get "chosen" was Josh Kaufman, even though he has a Master's degree in Philosophy...My philosophy professor in college scared me. 

until next time....