Tuesday, April 15, 2014

the one about analysis paralysis

Hi. I always think of Ross walking into Central Perk when I say this. While I don't feel like Ross, I do feel like Monica as I am trying to make everything perfect with my new house and honestly, it's making me feel like her when she forgot to invite Rachel's mom to her baby shower--ass sweat.

So I am so excited about having a new house and all the joy that comes with it. Don't get me wrong. I love when someone shows up unexpectedly and I am elbow deep in new hangers for my closet to make everything "just perfect" and I look like the homeless man that walks down the road in front of my house. I love to show them the house, explain what will be, and say (like clockwork) "it has good bones..." and said unexpected visitor always says, "I can't wait to see what you do to it....it will be so awesome" Like I am Jonathan from Property Brothers.

I have quickly learned it will take time because A) the Miracle Grow didn't work on my Money Tree B) EVERYTHING TAKES SO LONG C) After watching lots of Property Brothers last weekend, one homeowner said it perfectly--I am in Analysis Paralysis. I can't possibly make one more decision. It's just too hard. TOO HARD.

I have to let it go. I know it will be fine and good but I want it to be perfect. Yesterday. 

I am going back to Memphis this weekend to shop for kitchen flooring--the biggest decision yet, other than the paint color that I still can't decide on....I asked my dad to go with me because he is VERY thorough and will ask questions that you didn't even think could possibly exist. For the most part this wears me out, but there is always something he asks that makes me go "hmmmm...." While there, we are also visiting the Apple store to pick up a new iMac for him since they have Windows XP and his ass sweats when the words "virus" or "anti-virus software" come up. I have told him what he needs, and I think he has decided, but I will guarantee we will be in the store for no less than two hours and the Apple "genius" from the "genius bar" will have the best stories to tell his friends after we leave.

And Lord have mercy on me when he is not able to use Widows.

until next time...

Friday, April 11, 2014

the one with friday's four: new digs edition

So it's been 10 days since I blogged last. I have not been a good boy lately. I apologize to my thousands of 42 readers. So there's this whole new homeowner deal.... with that, I bring you Friday's Four--New Digs Edition.

1. I am all moved in to my new big boy house and have said goodbye to the two room 800 square foot pool house that I called home for almost four years. It was good, but my new digs are pimp. Well, they will be after I spend more money than I made last year on renovations. Speaking of, I will tell you my reno plan.

Wall Knock Out:

This is in my living room. You walk into this room at the front door. That wall you see is the wall that is being knocked out. On the other side is the kitchen. Where this picture is taken, I am standing in the middle of the room. It's a huge room. That means lots of furniture that I do not have and will have to buy. EVERYTHING COSTS SO MUCH. I guess I am confused as to why a chair can't be bought for less that $500. I need two. And a Sofa. And "occasional tables" that I once thought were called end tables or side tables. I have met with the contractor and he is on the books for Monday, April 21. I can't wait. This is what it will look like when this little project is finished--that I of course got from Pinterest.

2. So I mentioned a few weeks ago I am looking for the perfect gray to paint the majority of my house. I have tested 11 different colors. I feel certain there are far more than 50 Shades of Grey, Christian. The front runner is a Benjamin Moore color--Revere Pewter. I have to wait for the electricians to install lights (that's another issue--there are no ABSOLUTELY ZERO overhead lights anywhere in the whole house, except the kitchen.) to see how the colors look then. I want a gray that is warm--maybe like more of a putty color, a little bit lighter than a sauteed mushroom.

The one in the middle is smoked tan, and it looks to khaki--a color that is more 1997 than the Spice Girls and I refuse to have a color that every housewife in Arkansas paints for the same reason they buy the same boot in brown and black--it's a safe bet and no risks are taken. I want a few risks, but not so much that I could appear in the MoMa. I like Sandstone OK, but it's a little too cool toned. Once I primed the wall and re-painted Revere Pewter it's better. But it still looks a touch pink to me.

3. A bed. I need a bed. Part of me thinks I want to "take a risk." To me, taking a risk means choosing furniture that is not from Pottery Barn or West Elm, not wood, or not gray. I am thinking I want an iron bed. Something like this. All my bedding is white-duh and I am thinking of doing a navy rug.

Or I like this one too, it's from West Elm. And Wooden, with a gray tint.

4.  I have not 100% decided on kitchen yet, but I am pretty sure I am doing white cabinets with "absolute black" granite counter tops, slate floor, white subway tile back splash.

So many decisions. What's your opinion(s)?

until next time...

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

the one about Toddy

as promised, the story about the barn....

Saturday night I went to a cocktail party--not the kind they have on The Bachelor where 25 women gab about how they are in love with the same man after shaking his hand once right out of the limo and not even knowing his last name, I digress--for one of my really amazing friends from high school. She was four years older than I am, and I always thought she and her friends were total babes. You can imagine the day they asked me to sit with them at lunch when I was in the 8th grade--I thought I was the bee's knees. I was.

We arrive at our destination in the Pecan Grove in Marianna--it's where the best houses of the county sit perfectly nestled into countless acres littered with pecan trees. It's like Gone With The Wind. This particular house is the newest one there, just having been Christened at the end of 2013. It's amazing, but that's not the point.

After about three or four solid hours of partying, I get a text from my Dad asking my whereabouts. My parents were out of town for the weekend, and Matthew McConaughey from Failure To Launch my brother was out of town too. Dad needed me to go to the barn to feed the horses. I have done this before and it's not fun to me at all. Since they had missed their morning feed, he needed me to go sooner than later. I decided there was no time like the present, and I loaded up--in my cocktail attire, Sports Coat, Light Blue Chinos, and GUCCI loafers. Kelly rode with me to keep me company, and what I suspected would be for entertainment purposes. I was not wrong.

I pull up to the barn and the horse was running like she was being chased OUTSIDE the fence. In my mind I was convinced the horse had jumped the fence and had some gaping wound that I would have to either address there or load her up and take her to the emergency care clinic for animals. After calling my dad to inform him about this, he instructed me to call her--to which immediately I responded, why can't I just text--he didn't think that was too funny. I asked him her name--which is Toddy, and they don't drink--and made sure that was their horse and not one from someone else's barn. I asked if she was wearing a red collar, and he said "Jake, dogs wear collars and horses wear halters..."

There is also this whistle that they do to call horses. I did it. Kelly asked if I was competing in the Hunger Games and looking for Roo. Meanwhile, she is sitting in the car in her six inch heels laughing at me, not helping one bit. Finally Toddy came to me after I made a promise to her that if she would make this easy on me and not ruin my shoes, I would give her a treat. But since she didn't follow through, she got no treat.

My shoes are not ruined luckily, but when I returned to the party I got a lot of crazy looks as I looked as though I had been competing in the Hunger Games...

Here are some pics I took prior to my playing in the mud...

until next time...

Monday, March 31, 2014

the one with good news...finally

It's FINALLY official. I am a homeowner.

I have never dealt with something that turned out so exciting that was so frustrating to achieve. I know people have told me that it takes time, it's a nightmare, it is frustrating, etc. It was definitely all of the above. The original closing date was March 14. That got moved to March 21 because the 911 address and the USPS address didn't match up. Then on the 28th, the bank saw that I transferred money from my checking account to my savings account--because I try to be responsible and save money--. So I had to provide a savings account statement and a checking statement to prove I didn't steal $500 from my Mom, because she is listed on my checking account. So then the date got moved to "the middle of the week" last week. That didn't happen either. I finally signed my part of the paperwork--I signed my name 47 times--on Friday afternoon, and the seller signed this morning. So at 10:30 I got a call, congratulating me on my new house. What a relief.

I also received my scores for the Praxis [test you take to be a teacher] this morning. I had to take the Marketing Education test because I now teach Marketing. I passed! It was really hard. I thought since I have a degree in Marketing Management, I wouldn't need to study. I should have studied. Passing score is 156 and I made a 166. The highest score possible is 180, so I guess I did ok...

Today is my first day back from Spring Break. I did NOT want to come to work today. I did nothing fun over the break. I designed and printed shirts for about 4 different events.

Rodeo, Delta Classic.

Sixth Grade Space Camp

Mother's Day 5-K

I have a good story for tomorrow. I'll tell you this: My parents were out of town and I was in charge of feeding the horses. I left a cocktail party to feed. I was wearing Gucci loafers.

until next time...

Thursday, March 20, 2014

the one with a few complaints

Hi guys...tomorrow is supposed to be the second original closing date on my house. I got an email from the loan officer yesterday and it seems as though lots of people decided to buy a house in the last month or so, causing the underwriters to be extremely overwhelmed with work. I guess I am confused because I am a big fan of asking employees to list their job descriptions, and nine times out of ten, the task they aren't completing is always a task they list. Let's say I don't teach my kids the stupid common core standards set by a bunch of ass holes in Washington who have no idea what it's like inside a REAL classroom. Well, those ass holes will reprimand me for not teaching what is equivalant to teaching a deaf-mute to sing with "perfect intonation" that would capture HCJ's attention so he will shut the hell up about tone and pitch.

Damn that's a lot of bitching for one paragraph. Let me break it down for you.

Underwriters/Loan Officers--not fulfilling their promise to close on March 21. What does one do about that?? Well, there's really not shit I can do. I guess I will just wait and see if the THIRD date he gave me [which is a very ambiguously set for 'the middle of next week'] actually happens. I have stuff to do, and my Spring Break is next week when I planned to accomplish all those task on my list that is two columns wide on a Word document with size 12 font, single spaced. I know. I am painting the bedrooms [2], office, and den myself...I can do it as long as I just concentrate and make sure my adderall script is doing its magic. I am having a professional do the main living room. Also, I am saving money because I have my budget in the red already [and I haven't even started] by painting the tile in my bathroom. I have watched countless youtube tutorials and read lots of blogs about painting bathroom tile, and even the bathtub. Has anyone done this??

This is a picture of my bathroom:
I really kind of fancy the floor. It's black and white. That tile though...it's a different story. I want to paint it white and then the sheet rock wall above can be some shade of gray. I would replace the vanity and lighting. Also, I would remove that geriatric hardware from the bath...

I saw this on Pinterest, and I think I can totes do it with the right materials, and lots of patience.

Source : Arrow Creek Cottage 

Next topic: Harry on Idol. I think he is "getting a little big for his britches" as my Dad used to tell me. I don't know that Adele could please his longing for "perfect intonation." I am not sure if he hears tone differently that I do, but for the most part I think he just likes to show that he knows more than us. I have a pretty good ear for tone, and I do hear most of what he complains about..like CJ last night. Oh wow. That was bad. To be fair though, I don't know if I have ever heard that song sung in tune because Hunter Hayes is ALWAYS OFF.

My top three of the night were Sam Woolf, Jessica Muese, and I hate to say it....Malaya Watson slayed Bruno Mars--she is becoming a frontrunner to me. I have to make note that I think the person with the best overall sound is Caleb--dude can blow.

The bottom three, and the three that I think will be in the bottom on tonight's results show were CJ Harris, Dexter Roberts [who I have one word for--buttondown, not knit pullovers] who did a very sleepy version of Cruise, and MJ who screwed up the few words she actually remembered. I think tonight MJ will get the boot.

Finally, common core is stupid an no kid can learn if this continues to be what's trendy among non teachers who govern what goes on inside the classrooms that, believe it or not, aren't like they were 50 years ago--we pick our battles as teachers.

Speaking of, Parent-Teacher conferences are tonight. Should make for a good post tomorrow--that's FRIDAY and the start of my SPRING BREAK.

You probably saw this on my IG/Facebook, but in case you didn't...this is my Mom's new doggie. She is a Catahoula Mountain Cur and she is so stinking funny. Her name is Jolene.

until next time....

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

the one about #hashtags

I am teaching Excel this quarter in my Business Applications class. I highly doubt that any of y'all get off on a perfect Excel spreadsheet like I do, but just in case you are as big of a nerd as I am, this story will make you chuckle...

It's crazy that I got an email from the Arkansas Business Teacher's List Serve email club--be jealous, I get some excellent shit from my fellow constituents. I am totally lying. Most people ask other teachers for "good Ides of March Keyboarding Activities" or "Black History Month PowerPoint Projects" and I ALWAYS DELETE those. That shit is stoopid. Anyway, I got an email about this very story and thought it was weird because I have had students in the past say the same thing.

Excel is a spreadsheet application with a built in calculator. You can enter a formula to add or obtain an average...just about anything you need, Excel can do...I get all tingly just typing its description. It's that good. So if when you have a large sum (the answer to an addition problem) and your column is not wide enough to fit the entire number, you get this in you cell: ####### That just means you need to autofit the column to fit the widest cell. Or if you have entered the wrong formula, you will get #NAME! instead of the answer.

So one of my students asks (every single time) when she incorrectly types the formula even though she has a formula sheet AND it's written on the board, "Mine says hashtag name..." What is the world coming to? So now, prior to the students typing the formula, I say..."to keep from having the 'hashtag' prompt come up, make sure you type this exact formula..."

So needless to say, I kind of feel like a dork and old.

until next time....

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

the one about the plane

Where the hell is that plane? I am so confused. I don't understand how, in TWENTY FOURTEEN, a 777 with 300 people can just vanish? I am usually not up to date with the news, but this has intrigued me from the beginning [and they have covered it on E! News]. I am pretty sure it's terrorist related, but just to disappear is sketchy. It's like Lost. Or Cast Away. I am just confused. Apparently Courtney Love is too...She thinks she found it.

Speaking of confusing, I am certain my insides are wondering what in the world is going on. I am on day two of clean eating and no diet coke. It has really not been that bad..Also, no alcohol. I am not necessarily doing a "cleanse" but just a good old fashioned shape up or ship out. I actually already feel so much better than I typically feel. With no Diet Coke, I sleep SO. MUCH. BETTER. It's quality over quantity. I have not given up coffee..I drink it black anyway, so I don't think it can be that bad for me, right? It's not like I put rat poison aka coffee mate in it...

I am going to try to make it until Easter. Since I am not Catholic, and Lent is not really a thing for me, I don't think God is frowning upon my delayed start. And you are supposed to give up something that keeps you from the best relationship possible with Him, and had I not had Gin+Tonic on Saturday night, I would have not slept though church. Shame, shame Jake...

Anyone watch Dancing With The Stars last night?? I know, I am a Papaw. I just really like it. I have to say, Candice Bure surprised me. And that shirt she had on in the package where she and Mark met for the first time...did y'all see it? It said "My Favorite D.J. is D.J. Tanner" I kind of want it. After seeing her grown kids, I had to do a little research. She will be 38 years old next month.. Are you kidding me?? She looks great...

 until next time....

Friday, March 14, 2014

the one with friday's four [pi day-3.14]

[one] I am pissed the judges didn't use their save last night on Ben. I know had the roles been reversed, and Majesty been evicted---they would have used it. His cover of Elton was not the best, but it was a hell of a lot better than MK's version of Make You Feel My Love. First of all, Bob Dylan is a genius. So are the other cover artist--Billy Joel, GARTH BROOKS, and Adele. She sucked and her hair is definitely not a color found in nature. CJ did an amazing job. I think he is definitely a frontrunner again, despite the "seeming conundrum" as Keith would say.

While on Keith, let's talk about how he always tells the contestants to "loosen up" in which he pairs with a shoulder thing that looks like he sees a bee on his shoulder and is trying to get it off without swatting it.

[two] I finally got an email from the lender's assistant [who I speak with every day, multiple times] letting me know she had received everything, and everything was correct and good to go. You just do not even know how much of a relief that was to me, and I am sure all of my friends because this shit consumes my life right now. Then I got another email, about 24 minutes later. From her. This can't be. I am certain I am being punked. She asked me if I opened a new Credit Card on October 31, 2013. I immediately knew my identity had been stolen from my putting everything from bank account numbers to SSN to Teacher Retirement to W-2s out there, over the internet via email. My dad was right--I am way too loose with my personal info. But he still orders stuff by either mailing in the form or calling the customer service hotline...no online shopping for him. BUT, my identity wasn't stolen. Thank God. I was in NYC on 10/31/13 and I opened a Saks card to receive 20% off my Burberry Coat. That was during my irresponsible days, and they are long gone. Now I have to go through 12 different people to figure out my account number.

Here is a picture of the outside of the house. It's currently featuring a lovely shade of blue as an accent color. The stone will be painted creamy white and the trim will be a warn tan color. New shutters will be unfinished pine or cypress--as will the door.

[three] I have a new little obsession. As I was scrolling through the new releases on iTunes this week, I came across The Dirty Guv'nahs. I have never heard of them. Ever. I really don't know how. But they are REALLY good. They funded this latest album through Kickstarter. They don't worry about what the record label wants, they record and release what they want to do. I looked back at some of the older albums, and they are all good...my favorite so far: Blue Rose Stroll

[four] I will leave with this. Yesterday, one of my students said "G, I read your blog........."

until next time....

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

the one about food.

Typically, I am not one to post food pictures unless I think I have outdone myself. I try not to be one those who post a picture of their menu every. single. day. Those are the same cats that post gym pictures as well. Whatever. BUT, yesterday was the first day of 2014 that Mother Nature finally decided to stop PMSing and start giving us some hint that Spring may be near. It was over 70 degrees at one point during the day. Of course I did the things one is required to do on a day like that--open my windows at my house, wash my car (I know, right...), and finally fire up the grill.

One of my friends has the house that entertaining takes place, always has been. Mendy loves to cater to people's needs (literally) and cook the most healthy, delicious meals. She had an appointment in Memphis yesterday, and on her way home around 5:00, traffic was at a standstill on the bridge. She was going to inevitably be later than she planned getting home. Since she always provides for us, we decided to cook for her. At her house, because we are friends like that. And that is where all the kiddos were with the Nanny all day because it's their Spring Break.

Ashley brought in a dozen bags of groceries. I prepared all of those groceries. We did BBQ Chickem, Grilled Asparagus that made my pee stink and it still does, Grilled Zucchini and Squash, and a lovely Spinach Salad.
[note: these are mot my pictures--I borrowed them because I didn't have my phone]

Notice the Dressing--it's fat free. I always hate fat free dressing. ALWAYS. I think the real deal should just be eaten in moderation. But this dressing, this is a different story. I would compare this to my love for Ranch or Bleu Cheese, except it's a vinaigrette.  I strongly suggest you give it a try. And while you are testing my favorite dressings, try these too....

Garlic and Herb by Good Seasons is my all-time favorite. It's a mix, and so delicious.
Hendrickson's Sweet Vinegar and Olive Oil is good on everything. 
Ken's Steakhouse is, to me, the best bottled anything. Typically, I make all dressings, but I always have this on hand.

Now that I have bored you to tears and possibly made you hungry, I need to run. It's the bank calling and I am sure my lender's assistant needs a bank statement from from July of 2006 and every single cancelled check from my Junior Year in High school, so I need to run and get that.

                             I found another picture from this weekend. This is my cousin, Sarah. Isn't she pretty?                                   

until next time....

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

the one with trash talk [march11]

let's do a little trash talking, shall we??

--Did any of y'all watch Lindsay Lohan's new DocuSeries on Sunday night? Let me start by saying the only reason I even knew about this groundbreaking series is from watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. If you don't watch him, you suck. I kid, but he is so damn good, and I don't ever miss it. Well, I do in real time and watch the previous night's episode a day later. Back to LiLo...I am not ashamed to admit that Parent Trap was one of my favorites, and don't even get me started on Mean Girls.--I watch it every time it's on TBS. I want Lindsay to have a huge comeback and be as good as she was when Cady Herron existed, because that would be so fetch. The show follows her around, hunting for apartments in SoHo...I think she has it together as well as anyone else who has been to rehab half a dozen times and has more than likely already peaked, but knows she can re-peak, if that makes any sense--especially having Oprah on her side...the show is on OWN, Op's network on Sunday nights--the same time as #RichKidsofBeverlyHills on E!--also fetch.

--Justin Bieber is a huge dick head. Did you see his deposition? He thinks he is someone other than a skanky little prick who really can't sing.

These are some questions from his deposition that I borrowed from Perez:

Have you ever disciplined Mr. Hesney (Justin's bodyguard)?
Disciplined. What kind of question is that? Is he my son? Well, guess what? Guess what? I don't recall. (Winks at camera)

When Selena Gomez is mentioned:
Journalism? This isn't journalism? Don't ask me about her again. Don't ask me about her again. Don't ask me about her again. (Leaves deposition)

Is there anything funny in my question as to why you were laughing?
Well, I don't know Katie Couric you tell me.
This seems like a 60 Minutes interview.

Do you know Raymond Usher IV

Isn't it true that Usher was instrumental in starting your career?
I was found on YouTube I think that I was detrimental to my own career. (JB's lawyer says "He said that 'I think I was instrumental to my career.'")
I guess I am confused, if it weren't for Usher, you wouldn't be sh*t, bitch.

--The Voice was on last night, and it was pretty good. I think the best singer was not picked. The guy who was a single dad and a nurse. His phrasing was bad, and I like the song and his story, so that's my reasoning I guess. My brother says if you fast-forward through their "stories" you get a more accurate representation of thier voice because you don't feel sorry...Sharp boy, that brother of mine.

My next favorite that did get "chosen" was Josh Kaufman, even though he has a Master's degree in Philosophy...My philosophy professor in college scared me. 

until next time....

Monday, March 10, 2014

the one about the the weekend..

Since Friday, I got some shittay news and I became whatever would be the equivalent of a bride-zilla in the home buying version. Basically, a dick that laid down the law. Closing was re-scheduled for March 28th, which is exactly the LAST day of my Spring Break. All because the Real Estate agent listed the wrong address on the contract. Why does that add TWO whole weeks to closing?? It doesn't, so I said, "NOPE, that won't work for me...I need closing to be no later than March 21st, the day before my Spring Break." So, that's when it is. I am certain my agent is becoming fed up. Whatever, so am I. So now, cross your fingers I will close on March 21st.

This weekend was good. Friday night, I called it an early night because I had to take the Praxis on Saturday morning--test was hard. Way harder than I expected. But I quickly forgot about it after I left the test--right after my brother called me DURING the exam and my phone was not on silent. Ooops.

There was an engagement party for my childhood neighbor that night. I stayed til the last person left. We sang until we were hoarse. Even though I am no where near Rockstar status, I felt like I was Jon Bon Jovi....

 Beck and Me--the other neighbor who got married at the Beach last year..
 my family
 the boys that live(d) on Chapelwood Drive...that's Greg-the groom.

until next time...

Friday, March 7, 2014

the one with friday's four [march sixth]

This post is brought to you by the typical luck of Jake....

[one] Closing date was pushed back. Not a surprise. If someone tells me there may be a chance of something happening not in my favor, it's not going to be in my favor. Ever. I am not sure about when the closing will be now, but my Spring Break is the last week this month, so I would love to be closed before then, but I certainly will not hold my breath. Original closing was supposed to be one week from today. I am fine with that, I err on the side of caution, and secretly knew it would not happen on schedule. The silver lining: more time to consider and re-consider all the decisions I have made as far as renovations.

[two] We had an assembly this morning in the gym. All of 7th-12th grades were in attendance. We [the teachers] were to sit with the class we sponsor and I am the Senior Sponsor. This presentation was by a motivational-type speaker accompanied by a video showing exaggerated bullying situations and equally hyperbolical stories of girls who think they are the next Rhianna. The video suggested the kids never give up on their dreams, even if they face aversion or negative criticism--show the nay sayers why you will succeed. Well, one student's dream is to be a porn star I learned. He said he would show them real quickly why he would be perfect. Then it just got worse when the video suggested you may have to give up some weekend nights to practice on your dream......

[three] I have to take another freaking Praxis tomorrow--the test to become licensed in a teaching area. Since our program of study changed, I am not licensed to teach Marketing Education even though I have a Bachelor's degree in that very subject from one of the top business schools in the country. I guess I am confused. It's not until 11am, and it lasts two hours. So my day is pretty much shot. At least it will not keep me from exercising my liver tonight....

[four] Anyone participating in Lent?? I thought really hard about trying to pretend like I am not Baptist and acting like it was something I can't ignore. But you know, that isn't happening unless I give up something like using heroin--because I don't to that particular drug. Then I thought about Diet Coke, and then changed my mind just as soon as lunch rolled around. I could stop online shopping, but I did that already as my New Year's Resolution and I am actually sticking to it. I am sure Amazon and J.Crew are super confused as to why I haven't made a purchase in over two months. Then I thought I would try to blog every day for 40 days, but I missed yesterday so that's out. What are y'all giving up for Lent? I need an idea of something I haven't done since Wednesday--and don't say alcohol because I did that Wednesday and Thursday already.

[bonus] I almost used this for #TBT yesterday. It was when we were in college and were only concerned with having fun, wondering if my Mom put my allowance in my account, and if we DVR'd Dawson's Creek reruns--And it's almost Jaclyn's Birthday again....

That's Kara kissing my cheek---go read her blog HERE. And Jaclyn in the birthday crown, and the other Jacqueline looking all hot and shit. She has perfect skin.

Have a good weekend, y'all!

until next time....

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

the one about needed items

So getting a loan to buy a house is pretty much like signing my life over to someone else. I kind of feel like Britney Jean Spears because my life is in someone else's hands. I am sure good hands, and have complete confidence in my awesome lender [by the way, anyone in Arkansas need a home loan, I can hook you up--my guy does almost everything via email or text--so easy-ish].

Here are some examples of the things they need from me:

1. An LOE [letter of explanation]  stating the exact reason $______ was deducted from my February pay stub. So here's the deal. We are allowed three personal days with no explanation needed. I missed four, plus a holiday to go to Anguilla. They docked my check [like I knew they would after discussing this and getting permission from my superintendent LAST APRIL]. It's crazy to see on paper how much I am worth for just one day. My LOE should have read: GARNISHED WAGES due to no child support for 4 ILLEGITIMATE KIDS.

2. A LOE from my MOTHER because her name is on my checking account, stating that I have 100% access to not only that account, but all MY accounts at MY bank. WTF. I felt like I was asking permission for a field trip and I am in fourth grade.

3. a sperm sample

4. Tax Returns from way too many years to count.

5. My teacher contract, I guess to prove I don't get a salary from all the drug trafficking I do.

6. I also listed a seasonal salary for my t-shirt business. That is where they got really suspicious. They wanted a LOE from my supervisor, number of years employed, address, phone....I listed one number and as it turns out, after showing them my tax return, it was more than my estimate... I wanted to say "How you like them apples, I am not a poor....even though I am a teacher because I wear 4 hats on a daily basis.."

At the end of the day I am thankful for all my blessings, as my cup runneth over. But I secretly know I will not be able to close on the closing date we have listed, but since I am a procrastinator, I will worry about that one day before. 

until next time...

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

the one about last weekend

We had another snow day yesterday. Honestly, I think that was God's way of keeping me from telling the little fib I had already planned out-- to call in sick. I didn't even know it was supposed to snow. That made for snow day number four of this school year, which in my mind tells me we will be going to school until July. While I needed that day, I don't want to go to school past May. PERIOD.

The reason I didn't get out of bed all day long yesterday is because I went to Gin Show this past weekend. It's for farmers who are looking to show off their hottie wives, and to look at the latest farm stuff. I go for the parties, duh. I played like I was a rock star.

the day started pretty normally.....well, with a few drinks as you can note....

and then nighttime came.....

and then we went to alfred's. my favorite place. ever.

It was a big time. As always. I needed to have a little bit of fun to take my mind off of serious things, you know like paying taxes, buying a house, etc. So no one told me to buy a house they would need every single piece of information I have: teacher contract, pay stubs (that I throw away), bank statements (that I never open and throw away), tax returns that go in a box because I feel they may be important but forgot where that box is, stipend information, blood samples, hair samples, me left nu--------nevermind. you get it. It makes me really think I need a personal assistant that I can't afford in my new "adult" budget.....

Speaking of, I did buy some new sunglasses this weekend because I left mine in Anguilla. This time I sprung for polarized. HUGE difference.



The new cast of Dancing With The Stars was announced. I am a Papaw and still watch. I am pretty pumped that DJ Tanner will be shaking it. Also on the cast: Drew Carey, the ice dance gold medalists Meryl and that curly blond headed guy, Nene Leakes, and some other no names....

As for the Oscar's, she may not have been the best dressed, but how friggin hot is she???

Had I been invited to attend, I would have worn white...just like these guys..."aright, alright, alright..."

and the best dressed gals....

I didn't want to like Lupita, but she is just good. 
Jennifer Lawrence ALWAYS looks good.
Olivia Wilde is the hottest preggo I have ever seen.
and surprisingly, Kim looked damn good at the Elton John party, even though she wanted to go to Vanity Fair, but didn't get invited. That must suck.

until next time....

Friday, February 28, 2014

the one with a linkup [number eight]

1. I always pick Holly's blog to read first over Hubby Jack's....I have to support my lover.

2. Look at the size of those... price tags. Moving into a new house has really made me realize that nothing is cheap. It seems like everything is at least a thousand bucks. Apparently I need to go into construction because they will make a fortune off of me...

3. I recently learned....after putting pencil to paper, I have to be on a budget. It sucks. See #2

4. Only when no one is looking...I pick my nose like it's the only way into Heaven. And then I wipe them under my seat, and clean them off three or four times a month. Sue me. You all know you love when you get a good boogie. Once I was stopped for running a red light--and by running, I mean I stopped and then just went on like it turned green and the cop told me he could tell I was side-tracked. I asked him what made him think that and he said "well, you didn't quite finish up because you have a real big booger hanging out of your left nostril..."  BUSTED.

5. I lost my....shit when one of my students asked if my seats in my vehicle lay all the way down....and then winked.

6. I was certain I'd be...rich by now.

7. There is not enough liquor in the world for me to....show #5 student that my seats actually do lay flat.

8. I just finished...a bottle of wine because I had to pay taxes. I long for the days when I worked at Mr. Video and actually got money back. Yeah Right. And it is ironic that I found something on the printer that one of my 17 year old students, who is a mother of a 3 year old had printed. It's title was "Sally Need these things from DHS" notice it doesn't say needS with an 's.' And it all goes on to list everything she NEED from them...I wanted to scream.

9. Why does everyone have to be...so serious. Life is too short. Live it up.

10. It's very rare when I...forget we are doing a linkup and not post until 8:04. Sorry.

11. If I were a dog...I wouldn't want to belong to me.

12. I don't believe...people when they say they forget to eat. That's dumb and your stomach is growling.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

the one about idol-top 13

wooomp wooomp...American Idol was less than par last night, with the first few performances mirroring that of last season when I fast forwarded through most of the acts. It proves that good editing makes a show. Here are my notes on the performances:

-Dexter, Aw Naw by Chris Young: not good, dude. NOT GOOD. Being from Alabama automatically allows for a strike against you due to the heavy twang. On top of that, it was hard to understand. And for the love of all things holy, get some bigger clothes dude.

-Malaya Watson: she is on the verge of being mistaken for a clown. Don't like her. At all.

-Kristen O'Conner, Miss Teen  I Wanna Be A Pageant Girl. That whole performance was so syrupy it made me want to eat a waffle. It was definitely a Disaster that wasn't Beautiful.

-Ben Briley thought he was at the county auction rather than a contestant on Idol. His version of Folsom Prison Blue was faster than a slutty seventh grader. But he gave me hope that things would get better.

-CJ went for the most obviously predictable Radio by Darius Rucker. It was Ok, but nothing to write home about.

-MK did her best version of Hipster Ellen DeGeneres, and pulled it off rather interestingly. She now holds the spot for best performance of the night.

-Majesty Rose was solid, but I just can't get behind her...for lots of reasons..

-Jena Irene was the best female of the night, by far. She covered The Scientist and killed it. She is my favorite girl contestant, and looks like a way less pretty version of my neighbor, Beck--take a look

-Alex Preston, A Beautiful Mess. Solid A performance. He needs to work on his facial expressions, as he seems to be either constipated or pissed when he sings.

-Jessica (pink hair that's so 2009) Meuse sang one of my favorite songs, The Crow and the Butterfly. She is right up there with Jena.

-Emily Piriz still hasn't topped her Hollywood performance-Stars (a song that was WAY, WAY overdone throughout the auditions/Hollywood).

-Sam Woolf and Alex tend to have similar styles and Alex usually comes out on top. Sam won points with me tonight by covering one of my all-time favorite bands- Matchbox 20.

-Caleb Johnson is the clear frontrunner. I think he will do VERY well in the competition.

My Bottom Three:

Malaya Watson
Dexter Roberts
Kristen O'Connor--she will go home.

Don't forget the FINISH THE SENTENCE LINKUP tomorrow I am doing with Holly!
1. I always pick _____________ over ______________.
2. Look at the size of those...
3. I recently learned....
4. Only when no one is looking...
5. I lost my....
6. I was certain I'd be...
7. There is not enough liquor in the world for me to....
8. I just finished...
9. Why does everyone have to be...
10. It's very rare when I...
11. If I were a dog...
12. I don't believe...

until next time...

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

the one where "so what" is a verb

let's "so what" together....

[SO WHAT]...I have had to substantially decrease my kitchen budget only to increase it back because I think the kitchen is the most important room in the house. The kitchen is where EVERYONE gathers when guests are visiting. So I may have to increase my entire budget to be able to do the things on my "must be done first" list that is ever expanding. That list includes, but certainly not limited to:

1. Painting the exterior. I am all about making a great first impression--hence the reason I wear good clothes, give a firm handshake, and suck up immediately. I want to make a good impression. Not only is the exterior the first to be seen, but it is visible from the road and when people drive by, I want them to be impressed. I am a bit shallow, sue me.

2. Recessed lighting throughout. There is no overhead lighting. That is not an exaggeration. NONE. I guess they didn't enjoy reading or seeing anything.

3. Kitchen Demo [appliances, flooring, cabinets, and  knocking out a wall to open up to the living area]

4. Paint Interior. Every. Single. Room. 

[so what]...If I like American Idol better than The Voice [right now] for the first time in a few seasons. I think it's the combo of the talent and the new judges and getting rid of Randy.

[so what]...if my parents are ALWAYS right and think that painting the outside should be on my "wait a while" list and I don't want it to be.

[so what]...if I still get excited about a linkup with HOLLY! We are hosting one again on Friday. Here are the questions, so get you responses ready, my friends... the funniest responses get a $20.00 giftcard..

1. I always pick ____ over _____.
2. Look at the size of those...
3. I recently learned....
4. Only when no one is looking...
5. I lost my....
6. I was certain I'd be...
7. There is not enough liquor in the world for me to....
8. I just finished...
9. Why does everyone have to be...
10. It's very rare when I...
11. If I were a dog...
12. I don't believe...

until next time...

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

the one about floors and appliances

First of all, thanks for all of the well-wishes and congratulations on the new digs. I am getting into now. What I need from y'all is some information on various home goods. First of all, appliances. This is what I know I want:

1. Free Standing Duel Fuel Range. I want gas cook top with electric oven. My top choices are as follows:

I don't know if I want to sacrifice 36-inch 6 burner to be able to comfortably fit the GE Monogram into my budget or I want to splurge on the range and go with 36 inch, GE Monogram. Or stick with 36 inch and go with KitchenAid. Who out there has GE Monogram? I have only ready really good things about the brand. And my friend Scott, Kara's husband, is a builder and says KitchenAid is a really good brand...

This is what I will spend the most on, because I love to cook, and spend LOTS of time in the kitchen.

2. Refrigerator--It will be KitchenAid.
3. Dishwasher--KitchenAid.

4. Vent Hood. Can we talk about how ridiculously expensive a device that sucks up steam from boiling pasta is? Stoopid.

--Don't even think I looked twice at a Sonic style ice maker. That shit is WAY our of range...

Kitchen Flooring:

Who has hardwood in the kitchen? I like the way it looks, but I like the price of Hardwood style laminate that looks the same. Anyone have that??

or I like the idea of a slate floor too..

I warned y'all...there will be lots of posts about home stuff....

What did y'all think of The Voice last night?? The gal that went first was pretty damn good...Christina Grimmie.

until next time...

Oh, and PS...Holly and I are hosting a Finish The Sentence linkup this week!

Monday, February 24, 2014

the one about my weekend

So I got a call from my real estate agent, and he said "Guess what?!? You bought a house!!"

Everything worked out in my favor! I am rather shocked. At this point, we have a closing date set for March 14th. I am pretty excited about the things to come. I am not excited to be poor. The list of things that "must be done" to the house prior to my moving in is becoming more a list of "things I want to do, but might can live with for a bit..."

Overall, I worried and stressed myself all the way out about something I knew deep down was the right decision, but I just wanted to make absolute sure it was right for me, right for now...

So, you can look for lots of posts on The Life of Jake about my moving experiences. I am sure they will be comical, as things that tend to happen to me rival those scenarios only seen on Punked.

I have decided on my perfect gray color, too. I went to visit my college buddies this past weekend, and luckily for me, they all just moved in to new homes and had lots and lots of tips for me. Ultimately I decided on Revere Pewter by Benjamin Moore. It's really good..

Speaking of my visit, here are a few pics from the weekend...

our group from college. at one point I have lived with them all....

Kara looks great. she is due in about 6 weeks. I think it will be March 30. Mark my word

all the wife hosts and me. the guys wouldn't take a picture. I didn't want to either. there was burbon to be consumed.

Jaclyn and me. We just get it.

Jacqueline and me. I know, two beautiful friends, both named Jaclyn/Jacqueline
Jax and Craig welcomed me in their house for the weekend. It's so perfect and cozy! The drive home yesterday was not fun to me. I broke it up a bit by stopping in Conway at Home Goods. Jax told me about this place, and it will become a favorite of mine. I got some really good deals on lamps and stuff. I had never been before yesterday...

Today I wanted to call in sick because I woke up with the words of Manic Monday in my head. "Six o'clock already, I was just in the middle of a dream....."

The Voice starts back tonight! And Tomorrow night. Idol is Live on Wednesday, and Thursday. And Scandal comes back Thursday. While I enjoyed the Olympics, I am so glad we are back to regular scheduled broadcasting.

Finally, Fallon is KILLING it on The Tonight Show. I even stay up to watch it on some nights. I didn't see Friday night's episode until yesterday. Timberlake was on, and of course it was epic. They did the history of rap.... take a look. I think I would give up lots of things to be their third best friend.

hope y'all have a good week!

until next time....

Friday, February 21, 2014

the one with statistics

Here are a few of the statistics of my life as of late:
Mind you I am in the process of buying a house....

Number of things that have gone my way: none...
until this morning when I learned the termites have been treated and there is a new termite contract and I can cross that OFF my list of things to take care of even though the seller should take care of it.

Number of times I have talked to the Real Estate Agent: about 98

Number of times said Agent asked me to please hold while he changes his hearing aid battery: 1

Number of times I have wished to win the Powerball to completely gut and renovate to avoid living in what currently appears to be a shelter for the homeless:at least 100

Number of times I have applied for a job across the state to make sure I didn't get a call back requesting an interview just to show me a "sign" that buying a house was the right thing to do: 1

Number of times I have said things happen for a reason: 824

Number of times I daydreamed about having said job across the state: all day yesterday

Number of times I have said the following words/phrases--
mortgage: 468
lender: 452
appliance budget for kitchen: 450
appliance budget for kitchen with brands that aren't ideal for me: 450
"I am not trying to be shallow, but I can't live with that": 358
"The first thing on my list is....": 300--with different 'firsts' every time.
"I will not move in until...." 300
"I will miss Robertson Avenue" (current address): 300

Number of times I have googled 'warm gray paint color': 124

Number of times I realized just how inaccurate E.L. James actually is, because there are about 1200 "Shades of Grey" not just 50: 1200

Number of times I have changed my mind about the whole thing and then changed it back: Seriously, 6.

Number of pins I have "pinned on Pinterest" only to take them down because I don't want anyone to see my boards [even thought it is not even linked to Facebook because I think it's kind of douche canoe for a guy to do Pinterest] and think I am not going to have the coolest house because the walls in the pin are not the perfect shade of gray and the floors are too light: 48

Number of time I have said this is the kitchen before and what I want to be after and getting the response "oh..my...that kitchen does need lots of work....but I LOVE the after": 24


Number of times I have downgraded my kitchen budget: ZERO
Number of times I should have: 18
Number of rooms I plan to put on hold to make the kitchen awesome: 4

Number of times I have literally developed a knot in my stomach thinking about such an adult decision: 18

Number of times said knot has made me throw up: 1

Number of hours my AMAZING parents and I have discusses this and talked me in the right direction: every night from 5-8 PM.

Number of times I have tried to convince my Dad to just purchase the house for me, and I will pay him "rent" in the form of maintaining the home, even offering for my Failure to Launch brother to live with me: 4

Number of times he agreed to that: ZERO

Number of Miller Lites I have consumer just this week: I lost count after Monday.

Number of times I have snapped on people I love because I don't have drugs to deal with my Anxiety: 8

Number of times I have cussed in front of my parents this week: 24
Number of times I have cussed in front of my parents total, prior to this week: 4

Number of times my Dad has told me I will have to slow down on spending if I buy this house: I think everyday, but somehow I can always tune that out.

With all of this said, the number of times I have counted my blessings during all of this and realized how thankful I am to be in a place where I am able to consider owning a home: countless

Bottom Line: I need to shit or get off the pot.

until next time....

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

the one about anxiety.

I think I need to take a page out of Holly's New York Times Best Seller and consider some anxiety meds. There is nothing in the world as stressful as becoming a first time homeowner. Last week, I posted a Friday's Four about how I have a place for the cow painting above my fireplace that doesn't yet exist....I took it down, as I was convinced I would jinx myself.

Turns out, I am a pretty smart guy.

Fast forward to Friday at 3:00. I get a call from the real estate agent, and he starts out with "Jake, I have a little bit of bad news." See, I ALWAYS expect the worst possible scenario in every single situation. I have THE WORST LUCK when it comes to hoping things just may work out in my favor. It's so bad that I can't even remember the last time I got the luxury of just driving through an intersection and not being stopped by a red light--IT'S NEVER GREEN. The garbage man always runs a day early on the occasions I finally remember to roll my overflowing bin to the street. And I don't even win my dollar back that I pay to play a scratch off.  I could go on for hours.

His "bad news" was definitely not good. In the buying contract [the one where the seller accepted my extremely low-ball offer, without even counter offering--I should have seen the red flag immediately], it says I but the house "as is" which I am fine with that even though I will have to live on water and food that I grow because I will be so poor from the renovations I have planned. BUT, the seller is responsible for updating the termite contract. [that I now know hasn't existed for decades in this house] To have the good fortune of having that in one's hands, she must have the house inspected first, and then sprayed--IF THERE IS NO EXISTING TERMITE DAMAGE.  I bet you can guess what existed.

That is just one little tiny portion of the chapters of reasons I need Xanax.

Tip of the Day: If you don't have a termite contract, do yourself a favor and get one yesterday.

until next time...

Thursday, February 13, 2014

the one about my snow days

Hi y'all- I have been missing due to "inclement weather" that was far from inclement, but I shall not complain until we have to make it up in June. But can I just tell you how much can be accomplished in two unexpected snow days during the week? A LOT. I am sure my washing machine and dryer were certainly confused as they are never run at the same time. Especially when Miss Opal [my saving grace that I wouldn't trade for the world] is not scheduled to appear.

I visited with my two favorite ginger kids...

I made another batch of homemade cookies--this time with Heath bar instead of chocolate chips. It's like a little slice of Heaven. I also painted a new painting that may seem weird to some, but I like abstract art and I happen to really love this cow. I am not quite finished, but I am close.

Also, I got some really good news on the house I am working on purchasing. More on that when more details come. 

The bad side to being at home for two days--eating junk like it is the only way into Heaven. Even gym shorts seem tight.

And about American Idol...those last two guys [C.J. and Casey] both make it, according to my top secret source. There will be one extra guy, making a total of 16 guys and 15 girls. My favorite person in the whole competition, vocally is Emily Pritz--she did Stars by Grace Potter and killed it. I predict that C.J. will go super far...

until next time....