Wednesday, December 4, 2013

the one about that damn elf

So here's the deal... I know I was negative Nancy yesterday with by bitching and complaining post. Today, I KNOW I will piss some people off, but I really don't care because it's how I feel about this. Most already know that I think this is an issue that is so far out of control, it's ridiculous. I mention it every year, but this year I decided to write a little post about it. No I am not talking about staged Christmas Card photos, or mothers who post pictures of their kids on IG dressed like a character in a in a Dr. Suess book with giant hair bows and ruffles everywhere, or posts to try to see just how many people will comment...

I am taking about that damn Elf on the Shelf.


There was an "article" in a fake news site here in Arkansas about a burgular who targeted Moms who have blogs and dote on their families and Elf on the Shelf creativity. Obviously it was fake, but some people believed it. I think those people are so caught up in this "phenomenon" that their minds are shot, and all they can think about is where they will put the Elf that night that's better than their Mompetition [you like that--I just made it up] to post on EVERY single social media vehicle.

Isn't it ironic that it's called "on the shelf" and no one lets him sit on the shelf. It is mentally exhausting to try to wrap my brain around these mothers who clearly need something to fill their time, because they obviously have no life. Who sits around and thinks of "conspicuous and naughty places for the elf ". Better yet, the people who actually Google and Pinterest that shit....

How about this, why not tell your kids to be good because Jesus is watching...? Make them be good because:

a. that's your job
b. no one likes a little bitch ass toddler
c. it's just how it's supposed to be
d.you think you are thirsty after your soccer game, wait until you see what hell is like...

How about teaching your kid about that? And I am not saying you don't, but why not post those kinds of things instead of strangely creepy pint sized bastards that threw powdered sugar all over the kitchen that YOU have to clean up?

I understand that kids like to be bribed, who doesn't? But really, these kids need to understand that they have to mind regardless if that little creeper is "watching." If they can't mind because you say so, perhaps you should spank their ass...Much to my astonishment, there are "Birthday" versions of this shit to tame the little apes around their birthdays... Why not just make a Cupid on the Shelf, and a Shamrock on the Shelf, and a Bunny on a Shelf, and a Patriotic Prick on the Shelf, and a Pumpkin, and Turkey, and it just goes on and on....

I am sure you have all read this, but if you haven't do yourself a favor. This gal is funny as shit, and her blog is "People I Want to Punch in theThroat..." Some of my favorites of the 101 Ideas for EOTS that she makes fun of are:

-"Learn Multiplication Facts" when I read this, I literally laughed out loud. Not only do some of my kids I used to tutor in the 3rd grade not know their facts, I have SENIORS that still don't know this. Hell some of the teachers don't even know this info... I seriuosly doubt by making the elf learn them is going to convince your kid to...

-"Knit a scarf or a hat" All I can think about is Phoebe trying to knit and she throws the needles and yarn down and says "too hard, TOO HARD!" I agree.

"Sit on an EXTRA Toilet YOU HAVE IN STORAGE in the Front Yard" Who the HELL has an extra turlet?

All I have to say to the inventor of this Phenomenon is TOUCHE. I am impressed, and I would love to come up with something that mothers loose their shit over.

So GO...let me have it..I know you all have cussed me while reading this. And the ones who love it, I love you more than an Elf Mom loves her "Elf Ideas" board on Pinterest...

until next time...


44 comments:

  1. I get your point... I am not doing it for my kids to necessarily be good (although hey if it helps a little who cares)... I am simply doing it to start a fun family tradition that the kids really love!!! xoxo

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    1. fair enough...It's not the actual elf I think that's ridiculous...I am all about family traditions..
      Hope all is well with you!

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  2. My best friend just posted on facebook today that she loves seeing these pics on facebook with the elf on the shelf.
    My comment: are you kidding me.
    Actually this reminds me of a huge elf doll that we used to have when we were kids. It was actually my brothers and we named him Elffie. We threw him really high in the air one day and he busted the light in the ceiling and glass went everywhere and we looked at each other and cracked UP! Now if someone can make their Elf karate chop a light dome in the ceiling by himself i would love to see it.

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    1. I love it! And seriously....ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

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  3. I don't like clowns. I don't like mimes. And I think the Elf on the Shelf {EOAS} is creepy. I totally understand the tradition. I get that it and that's what I like about EOAS. But - it seems like a LOT of work. My son is too old for EOAS but maybe I would have done it when he was younger, who knows. For some reason the 'girl' EOAS doesn't creep me out as much. But basically the Elf on a Shelf = Pennywise to me. Sorry. I'm not hating at all, if you participate in EOAS activities, some of the pics I've seen are cute. I just hope to never find one of these little creepies on my front porch. Pennywise Steck does not sound fun to me.
    xoxo
    Rachel

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    1. totally agreed!
      And I hate clowns too...to make me get over my fear, my Mom dressed me as a clown for Halloween once, and I scared myself so badly I couldn't look in the mirror...

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  4. hahahahah! LOVE every ounce of this post! We have not one but TWO effin elves & I'm so over them damn things. I'm going back to spankin their asses!

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    1. I love that you have elves and can still make fun! That is totally my kind of humor! Be well, my friend!

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  5. HAHAHAAHA... yesssss

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  6. James Elfman made his appearance this year, thanks to my mother, and at first I was with you. I freaking HATE the pinterest-lovin mom's that create "scenes" for their elf. My 6 yr old, however, loves the little creeper so I am stuck moving him around my house.
    I don't use him to teach him right or wrong, or guilt him into anything...basically, he's just playing hide and go seek. No harm, no foul. My three year old won't go near him. He's smart, that little guy.

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    1. I am with the three year old! Thanks for reading and commenting!

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  7. I did it last year but in a different way, I basically had a letter from "Santa" saying the Elf was here to help teach my son about grace and Jesus and forgiveness, because the Elf gets into trouble. After about a week of different "naughty" behaviors, I gave up. I hated it. So nope. No more Elf at our house.

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    1. Hahaha! I think your son is smarter than we think!! Have a good day!

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  8. I love it & i'm the mom that thought EOTS was a good idea but can't quite keep up with the junk lol! Once again, highlight of my day =)

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    1. Thanks for reading! Glad I could make you smile!

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  9. hahahaaha. you make me laugh.
    i just love that. always.

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    1. Glad I could make you laugh! Thanks for reading and commenting..
      Be well!

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  10. "no one like a bitch ass toddler"...bahaaa "a patrirot prick on the shelf!" hilarious! I with you, some people need to find something to do. I have an elf on the shelf and that ugly ass thing hasn't moved in a week. who has time to move that thing everyday?

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    1. I guess I have a way with words...haha! One of my friends told her kids that their elf has the flu, but he can still see them at the doctor's office...Thanks for reading and commenting!

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    2. I'm totally using that FLU excuse! Genius!

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  11. I hate the ELF. My daughter is begging for one, and we keep saying NO, maybe I'm the worst dad ever, but I find the whole thing stupid. I know a mom who has to take her elf everywhere she goes to make her kids behave. Great parenting 101. The kids are more scared of the elf than the mother. I'm tired of my facebook feed full of pictures every morning of these elaborate displays. Make the Mompetition (great word btw) stop!!! What ever happened to good old fashioned making your kids mind through guilt? Tell them how if they don't behave they will ruin Jesus' birthday. In fact my house may do Jesus in the Manger and every day baby Jesus is watching you to make sure you don't mess up his birthday. None of this playing in the sugar crap, tearing up toilet paper, or zip lining from the tree. Just Jesus lying in the manger keeping his eye on you.

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    1. I think we are new best friends.
      Love it. And thanks for commenting!!

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  12. When we got our effin Elf several years ago it wasn't that bad you mainly just moved him around every night which I would usually forget to do, but now these idiot moms with way too much time and creactivity has turned it into a broadway play. I'm thinking our elf needs to fall in the fireplace and then we just have a really nice funeral for him and be done. Just joking. Not Really.

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    1. I think a proper funeral is necessary...haha!! Thanks for always reading and commenting!

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  13. We have an EOTS and have for 3 years now. My youngest was actually worried this year that Elfie wouldn't be around since we are moving into our new house (which isn't ready yet) and are staying at my parents. Luckily I had thought ahead and packed him with the stuff we were taking with us to my parents. Anyways, our EOTS doesn't get into trouble and I am not about making messes...I'd be the one to have to clean that shit up...ain't nobody got time for that...except some people who have nothing better to do than sit around and this crazy shit up. I am not one of those. Elfie is a tradition for us...and sometimes he even sits on a shelf (gasp) and sometimes we are so busy we forget to move him (double gasp, hand over mouth)!!! The kids really enjoy hunting for him each morning.
    As always, thanks for the post...always a great way to start my day.

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    1. Glad I could make your day! Good luck with the new house!!
      and AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!! haha

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  14. Jake. JAKE. I love this. You rule. I am a mom, I have 3 kid ranging in age from 14 to 7 and all I can think of is thank freaking god this crap wasn't around (or at least not to the extent it is now) when they were toddlers because I would not be having it. It's just too much. And can I please start using Mompetition? It's the best made-up word ever. Loved this post SO MUCH. Thank you!

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    1. You have my permission! I am glad you like, and thanks for commenting!! YOU RULE!

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  15. I am with you- ALL. THE. WAY. I get the tradition of it but I think too many people take this thing way over the top. I don't even remember these damn elves back when I was a kid. It has to be completely social media fueled. No Elf on a Shelf for us.

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    1. MOTHER OF THE YEAR! you are awesome! Thanks for commenting!

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  16. I hate the Elf and everything he represents-he is a creeper supreme. My "be good" was my mom telling because SHE SAID SO and that was it. Of course, there was that memorable Christmas where I was a brat and I seriously did NOT get any presents from Santa-not kidding. Of course, I am Grinch in the truest fashion because I am sick and tired of people shelling out hundreds and thousands of dollars to get their kids what they want-not need. I am spending maybe, $100 on each of my kids and that is stretching it. Number 1-I don't have $200-$500 to plunk on stuff for each kid, Number 2-does my 2 year old really need an iPad, or iPod or anything else that costs that much money, and Number 3-it shouldn't be about presents it should be about giving, and spending time with family and friends. Okay, rant over.

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    1. Here Here! I agree 100%! Thanks for commenting!
      be well!

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  17. Hey Jake, Thanks for the link in your Elf post. My little bastard Elf and I appreciate the shout out. Happy Holidays!

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    1. you bet! thank you for the laughs! I love it! Merry Christmas to you, too!

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  18. 1st. This entry made me laugh a lot :)

    2nd. I am in Canada and not to sound like Scrooge but this little prick costs $35 at Target for a wee elf and a book. I feel like he is a rip off. He should be $10 max. But I am el cheapa though.

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    1. Agreed. The creator of this creepster is laughing all the way to the bank...

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  19. HAHAAHAAAHAAA!! YES! I wish you would post the link to the fake Arkansas News Site! Sounds hysterical.

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    1. Ok! the site is rockcitytimes.com
      The elf story is http://www.rockcitytimes.com/police-release-details-serial-killer-large-rock/
      hilarious!

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  20. I actually love elf of the shelf (the lady that started it is a UT (Tennessee aka the REAL UT) alumni so I feel obligated to like it! Ha! But I also really like this post. I have a friend who bought one just to post really inappropriate pictures of it to Facebook and it cracks me up... yesterday the elf was ordering porn...

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    1. my friend's kid's elf was humping Barbie when I was in charge!! haha!
      thanks for reading and commenting!

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  21. I have an elf and your post didn't piss me off at all! It made me laugh. I 100% get it! Some Elf pics/posts are RIDICULOUS! :)

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  22. Jake, I thought I liked you before. Now I freakin love you! I agree with everything you wrote. I was just telling my husband last night that that stupid elf creeps me out & I wish it would go away. I want to tell everyone to stop taking over my FB & Instagram feeds with your stupid pics!!!

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  23. http://www.chicagonow.com/listing-toward-forty/2013/11/elf-on-the-shelf-nsa-santa/
    For your reading pleasure...knew that little thing was creepy!

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